I try to be tolerant, to keep my mind open, and approach all conflicts from a “what can I learn from this” point of view.
And I fail, often. One of the surest ways to encourage my tolerance needle to dip to zero is to mouth the phrase, “Children need structure.” Having seven children underfoot, my parents—my mom in particular—adopted structure as a survival mechanism.
We had a strict schedule for who was responsible for doing the dishes on which night. Everybody had assigned chores, and if my mother caught us idling, much less moping, she would volunteer to find something for us to do—in much the same tones as many adults promise to give a child “something to cry about.”
So for me, “children need structure” punches all the buttons that say routine is more important than the children it’s imposed on, that controlling children is the hallmark of successful parenting (or adulting)—which, of course, it is not.
Loving and caring for children are the hallmarks of successful parenting, and for each child, structure will have a place. If the child is well loved, the parent will develop a sense of how much and what structure suits that child—not the kid’s sibling, not the parent, not the European children studied in the latest Psychology Today round-up.
What I needed to be happy and productive, at least by the time I was three years old, was to be LEFT ALONE. I figured out what would accomplish that goal—appearing to be “good,” for one thing, being “academic” for another. When I was ten, I stumbled onto a piano bench, and in part because nobody bothered me when I was practicing, I practiced a lot.
I could rant on and on about the damage done in the name of providing every child, regardless of need, ability, or desire, “structure” so some hide-bound adult can get to bed at the same time every night. For every child wilting under that rigidity, however, another is failing math (again) because nobody gives a thought to their bedtime.
The point of this post is that I’ve identified an issue that makes all my normal, adult conflict management mechanisms charge headlong for the window. Right under that issue lie old hurts, tender spots that haven’t completely resolved. Structure for me implies suffering, it implies being ignored, being subjugated to another’s convenience, and being made invisible. Children need structure because children are messy, inconsiderate, and stupid—or so this child concluded.
The good news is that a hot button like this, when examined, can reveal a driving myth that has long outlived its usefulness.
I rely on my editor to give me deadlines, and that’s a good thing, because a deadline met gives a real sense of accomplishment and ensures a book will get the best possible launch positioning. I listen when my docs tell me it’s time for another mammogram. Routine has a place, a positive place, even in my life.
What’s a hot button for you? What inspired you to peek beneath it and turn down its heat?
To one commenter, I’ll send an audio version of Laura Kinsale’s “Prince of Midnight.”
Don’t we all wish we had do overs? For me parenting was some of what I was taught and some rebelling and doing the opposite of what I was taught. I’d like to say I took the best of both but, of course, that’s not true. I am very proud of how my children came out but I definitely would do some things differently. I think empathy is a very important trait, tolerance, and kindness. Children need to know they are loved but I don’t think they should be taught that the world revolves around them. Then there’s the nature/nurture debate lol. Oh, please don’t enter me. Audiobooks just aren’t for me 🙂
Jeanne, the ebook for this one is on sale at $2.99, and it’s a great tale. The original was one of my favorite Fabio covers.
I absolutely agree that children need to know the world doesn’t revolve about their petty needs and wants. Waiting 30 minutes for a snack never wrecked anybody’s world, but it’s interesting to me that both forcing a kid into a rigid routine AND neglecting to provide the child a sense of order can come from refusing to accord the child’s needs any value.
And among seven children, what allowed one kid to thrive could easily be the undoing of another.
Hot buttons… I have two, one is over indulgents with alcohol and children who are neglected. Nothing can set me off faster then these two things. I have no problem with alcohol, I have a problem with people who do not have lemits with alcohol. When it comes to children, I think they should always feel that they matter, that this world is a better place because they are in it. Was I a perfect parent, no. Did my children always know they were loved and that they came first with me, YES. These buttons also came from my childhood. We either take what is given to us in life and make it better or we let it take us under. I chose to make my life better.
And oddly enough, Mary, the most common reason children end up in foster care is substance abuse. The most common reason somebody relapses with drug abuse, gambling, and other compulsions is that they got hold of alcohol, lowered their inhibitions, and fell off the wagon… ARGH.
My hot button right now would have to be people who think they have the right to judge others, which may sound judgemental as well.
As for structure, ha, my boys get so much structure at school and with their numerous therapies that at home we don’t have much structure. I do limit computer time so everyone gets a turn and we have a bedtime for school nights. My “typical” eight year old could use a little more structure but it is rather hard to impose when he has three brothers with special needs. He is my biggest challenge right now.
I’m intolerant of intolerance, too, Sarah. Sometimes it’s impossible to see the fears that drive our most unlovable behaviors, and sometimes–not often, but sometimes–we encounter a person who’s just a horse’s patoot (meaning no offense to the equine). Scott Peck’s book, “People of the Lie,” scared the daylights out of me, but also reassured me that at least one mental health professional has come across people we need to steer clear of.
I think we all have ‘hot buttons’ and the most important thing we can do as adults is acknowledge them, and not let the ‘should’ and ‘ought’ that comes from them drive our response to others. I agree that too often structure (for children) is adult direction and the imposition of adult desires. But routine, which takes into account the natural rhythm of life for both children and adults, can be useful. Structure might say “YOU NAP AT…” and routine says we find time for quiet rest, and maybe a nap if needed, and when the time changes, so does nap time. And sometimes external structure, like an editor, is a good thing. What is extra good is if the one imposing the ‘structure’ takes time to find out what kind of structure provides the best support for the individual in question. Some of us need deadlines, and some of us need DEADLINES.
My former spouse was good at quietly suggesting I might want to take a look at what had sent me shooting around the room backward, reeling with righteousness, and bellowing my sentiments to the rafters. I miss that–Former Spouse found moments when I could hear what he had to say, and patience like that is a great gift.
The biggest hot button I can think of right now is the tendency of people to talk over one another, especially in meetings. I have been in too many meetings when I tried to present my case or explain a point and someone barged right in with a louder voice and a stronger opinion. It’s completely disrespectful, and I find myself shutting down in those situations — someone talking over me reinforces (to me) the idea that they think their opinion is more important than mine, so why should I bother any further?
And I especially hate when I find myself talking over someone else…..
Zing! Sounds like those meetings need a good facilitator. I took a course on facilitation once, and most of it was, as you imply, simple manners. It can help too, if the boss merely compliments good manners.
“Thanks for letting me finish.”
“Let’s hear her out… because she’s been waiting fifteen minutes for thirty seconds of our time.”
“The issue is complicated, and we need to hear from everyone…”
Not everybody has the facilitation gift, but it ought to be part of Boss 101.
I betcha you’re terrific with the follow-up memo, though.
I think my main hot button is the idea that if a child is growing up in a somewhat messy, cluttered home they are being “endangered”. What happened to letting a child be a child and get dirty occasionally? I too had structure when I lived at home, chores that had to be done first, no matter how much homework I was facing once I finished my chores. Then my parents couldn’t understand why I didn’t always bring home straight A’s as did my cousin Bonnie Lynn.
That wretched Bonnie Lynn! My mom speaks disparagingly of a gal who went to high school with her (seventy years ago), Katie Smith, as if Katie were some sort of hussie and valedictorian all rolled into one. Come to find out, Katie’s folks could afford a lot more than my grandparents…
Oh. Hmm. How long these injustices linger in our awareness!
I am a Libra. I have issue’s with unbalanced life happenings. Living in a world where football players (it’s a game!!)are paid more that policemen and teachers drives me nuts. When ex-husbands insists on buying new trucks when their sons are walking around with holes in their shoes can send me to the hospital. Or him. Children not getting medical care because their parents will not take them, even when they have the means to do so, infuriates me.
Did I mention I was a libra?
Sounds like being a Libra is an invitation to get a PhD in managing hot buttons. Yours, theirs… though most of what you mentioned would frost my cookie too!
It has nothing to do (directly) with children, but my hot button issue is racial or ethnic bigotry. I simply will not let it pass as if unnoticed. Actually, now that I think about it, this does relate to children, as I’m reminded of that song in South Pacific “You’ve Got to be Carefully Taught.”
I’m the same way about gender nomenclature. Drives me bazoomies when I hear people refer to a female over the age of eighteen as a “girl,” unless the person is herself nearing seventy, or the “girl” is about that age and clearly flattered by the term.
And they aren’t our boys in uniform, they’re MEN.
Wow. I can’t really agree about structure, but maybe that is because I am a middle school teacher! I have to have classroom rules, but it is not solely to make my life easier, though that does play a part. I have great success with my ‘wild boys’ – the ‘at risk’ kids who have pretty much been thrown under the bus by our education system. And, I attribute the success to establishing boundaries and structure. However, I agree, that the same set of rules can’t strictly be applied to each student. My students sometimes desperately need me to bend my rules, to show that I care about the individual as opposed to structure. But, what I have discovered is that some children are afraid at heart…especially as they enter their teens. They crave rules and boundaries, even if they plan to test them, which is a totally healthy thing to do. When you’re young and hormonal, there is comfort in knowing a trusted adult will listen, and help pull you back from a bad choice or just the onslaught of emotions that are new and unfamiliar as you pass from childhood to young adult. As for hot buttons, I would definitely say that racism is mine. I am a ‘half breed’ myself, part islander, and my large family of siblings married other races which left me with Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, Costa Rican and Philipino children, nieces and nephews. We are all much more similiar than different and in our global community, we must learn tolerance to survive.
KC, I think we do agree about structure–every child needs some, some need a lot, some need a little. The point is that I needed a lot less than I was “provided,” and so I’m tetchy about the issue. The same result would likely follow if a child needing a great deal of order and routine grew up in a chaotic household–hence my comment that for every kid wilting with too much structure, another is flunking math for lack of appropriate structures.
Teachers are in a unique position, too. More than any other professional, they are expected to achieve significant results, in a short time, with a large heterogeneous group, many of whom are resistant to the effort. (See Tracey’s comment about teacher pay!) Without some group norms, without some authority to enforce rules, nothing of value could be accomplished in the average classroom.
One of the reasons I acceded to my daughter’s request to be home schooled after ninth grade was that chair fights were going on in the back of the classroom, and the teacher did not or could not intervene. Even I, even in ninth grade, would have seen the value in keeping that behavior out of the learning environment!
Your daughter was very lucky to have a parent she could trust, who acted when she asked for help. My mother did something similiar. When I faced boredom and bullying, she moved me to a smaller, more tolerant school though we could not really afford it. I would have been a very different person without that intervention.
I also meant to look up the spelling for Filipino but forgot and pressed post. I am an islander but from Guam…
I’m just going to pop in with a funny thing from my kids’ childhood. 😉 I live in a small enough town that we have a noon (and 6pm) whistle. When my boys were little I told them this was the NAP whistle. LOL I must say I had very little trouble getting them to take a nap with the help of that whistle. 😀
And every time they hear a noon whistle, for the rest of their lives, they’ll smile and feel a bit drowsy. Good on Mom!
Intolerance is probably my biggest hot button. I try to exercise my tolerance to keep from getting too bent out of shape.
Yeah–what Janie said!
You know what the problem with you is…
You have to…
Followed closely by
Or, as a boss at one of my former employers used to say, “All’s [sic] you have to do is make a list…” No matter how big the problem, there was never anything on any list that HE was responsible for.
My hot button is unsolicited advice/orders/judgments about my health, my genetic deficiency. If I would just take (x) supplement or suck it up or ‘get right’ with Jesus I’d be 100% healthy and not need my every 21 days lifesaving IV treatment, or that I’m simply lazy. Like a shotgun, hitting that hot button triggers a wide ranging scatter pattern of responses, usually these days I choose to save my energy and walk away.
The next person who tells me to go to Overeaters Anonymous…. The next person who tells me to get my thyroid checked. The next person who tells me that lifting weights is the key to salvation… ARGH.
My five children are all grown with families of their own. When we get together, I love listening to their discussions about their childhood. Who spent the most time in ‘time outs’? Why did the girls have to set table and do dishes, and the boys shoveled snow and mowed lawns? However, they talk with fondness about doing those things together, and learning to be responsible. Of course the ‘structure’ was liberally mixed with snowmen, pillow fights, slumber parties, and even a couple of memorable food fights.
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