I have been thinking lately about how we cope with adversity, especially the open-ended, no-clear answers kind. Then I found myself a guest in my sister’s house, which is small and lovely. Every wall has art on it that is meaningful to her, every room is arranged to maximize light, comfort, and simplicity. The colors soothe and please, the textures are interesting and varied.
Images and mementos of loved ones abound, as do comfy chairs, her late husband’s art work, and little touches of pretty.
My sister’s house has reminded me of the concept of safe places. I am not so good at making physical havens, but in adolescence, I knew the piano was a safe place. The basic operating principles were not going to change on me without warning, and the premise that the more correct work I did, the more skill I would gain held true. My horse Buck was a safe place. Nobody was on hand to criticize my riding, nobody put down my horse because he was fat and shaggy. We could be happy without fear of criticism.
English class was a safe place. I would have had to work quite hard to get anything but an A in junior high English class.
In later life, reading and writing have been safe places for me, and when they aren’t–when a work in progress seems hopelessly stuck–I get really rattled. When I can’t find books I literally want to go to bed with, I feel a little lost. (Then I go to author Charles Finch’s FB page and look at his last, “What are you reading?” post, and get good ideas!)
I can do much, much better about making my home look and feel like a safe, welcoming, haven, but another source of that “protected amid the chaos” feeling is loving relationships, and there again, I haven’t been so effective.
I need a lot of privacy and solitude, but that alone cannot restore my equilibrium when I’m overwhelmed by the click-bait, guaranteed mega-negativity news, or by personal issues. My neutral corner is for getting to neutral. For getting to positive, resilient, and brave, I need safe spaces characterized by beauty, comfort, and kindness. If I get enough of that in my life, I can be pretty darned fierce in the face of set backs, hefflalumps, and whoozels.
How are you doing for safe places and havens? Do the old reliables still work, or have you fashioned some new ones in recent years? Are you working on creating any more?
And oh, lookee! Pretty soon time to make that ARC list for A Gentleman Under the Mistletoe! Wheee!
I need a lot of me-time.
A few days ago I read something that made me realize how language is routinely used to confuse people. Taking it for granted that it means one thing when in fact it means just the opposite.
In this case it was a comment about “security” and I suddenly realized that in reality when people talk about “security” they usually mean just the opposite, that is, a situation in which there is a degree of threat.
And I add something I also read some time ago and that is that the opposite of love is not hate, it is fear.
Well, all this comes to today’s comment:
I have always tried to create environments in which I have felt safe in myself, my thoughts, my emotions, being in me. I read a lot, for example, and there is little, if any, affinity with a person who does not like to read. It has to do with a degree of being at ease with oneself, of not needing the external “noise”.
A few years ago I used to live near the sea and I loved to spend long periods of time just by the sea, doing nothing. Just being.
Sometimes it is possible to get these little refuges only for short periods of time, but for me they are a real source of strength and peace.
As an introvert, I also need a lot of me-time. Fortunately, even though my long-term partner is actually an extrovert, he does let me be alone enough to keep me sane.
Interesting comment about the opposite of “love” as I have always heard and felt that the opposite of “love” is “indifference.” That is certainly true in my life anyway.
My safe place is, and has always been, reading. I am totally in control there as I can always either not pick up a book that might make me feel unsafe or stop reading one if it turns out that way. Don’t know if it’s an eldest child trait but being in control makes me feel safe most of the time. The feeling of safety is partially why my favorite books are romances or mysteries (or even better romantic mysteries), especially cozies. No matter what else happens, the ending will be happy and that gives me hope to carry on (I think that’s a song lyric but cannot remember from where right now).
My safe space has always been books. From a young age, I have loved reading, losing myself within the story, identifying with the characters, living vicariously through their experiences. When my life wasn’t always pleasant (alcoholic Dad, authoritarian Mom) I could escape into a book and forget my actual life. Even now, when I find my life to be the idyllic one I’d never imagined for myself (married to a wonderful, adoring husband, with amazing children and grandchildren, lovely friends, financially stable), I find myself getting lost in the pages of an awesome novel. There’s just something special about falling into another’s life, even just for a couple of hundred pages. As long as it has a happy ending, that is! Stay safe. Stay well everyone!
I’m a trifle behind on my reading thanks to a blowhard named Helene leaving me in the dark for a bit & a longer To Do List than expected. I trust it won’t send me tumbling off the ARC list like Jamison off his ladder? My safe space is literal at the moment, being my middle bathroom in the center of the house whenever the warnings go off on my phone.
My light are back on, bless the FPL linemen, but it’s likely to be next weekend before I can read again, assuming the “area of interest” down by Yucatán doesn’t add insult to injury.
Good heavens! My safe place at the moment is books or my dogs. I like audiobooks because i will get up and do chores while listening. I read traditional books in bed am or pm. My tolerance of ebooks has not improved. They are mostly pulled up when I am desperate such as stuck in an airport.
Since my daughters & their families live across the country so my dogs are my family. They are silly and loyal and I wish it would cool off enough for us to go out walking in the parks.
As for the arts, I have had to face that I have no talent whatsoever. It has only been late in life that I have realized that I really don’t need to have talent, I only need to have fun.
My safe place is in my tiny perfect apartment, especially if I’m reading in bed or sitting in the sun with a book.
Since I was a child, the characters in books were always very real to me. I suffer along when they are in pain, and rejoice when they are happy. It’s wonderful to have so many friends.
Finding safe places to me is more like finding a place in my mind where I can get the soothing feelings of peace and serenity within myself, which can then give me the tranquility I need to deal with whatever is messing with my feelings of anxiety, stress or extreme feelings of sadness.
So I need to seek quiet and calmness wherever or whatever is available at the time of that need. Sometimes I seek quiet time with my dog, perhaps driving with him but many times just taking him to one of the many parks surrounding me and walking. Just soaking in the quiet sounds that only can be had when strolling through the woods and/or fields.
When my horses were younger I found great solace just riding them through the off trails, again enjoying the quiet sounds that only can be felt when you are one with nature and your loyal friend. Now that both my horses and I have aged through time (they are now 32 and 34) I find peace just being with them as they graze….realizing that they are one of the many blessings I have.had the privilege to enjoy and yet sometimes I have taken them for granted.
Other times it is just looking at photos of loved ones, both family and friends I have been blessed to have in my life.
In the end it is good to reflect on all the blessings I have received or continue to receive and that really puts all my problems in perspective.
So whatever method one uses to find that tranquility and peace of mind it hopefully helps us realize that despite all one has to deal with “life is the biggest blessing of all. The best way to live that life is to both share and receive kindnesses and love so that we have not wasted that blessing called life.
Right now, there are no safe places. Bill’s cancer has invaded all of them, raucous and critical. Someday, by the grace of God, it will be safe again.
Oh, dear God. Despite not knowing you, your comment hit me like a punch in the stomach. I am so sorry. I hope a prayer from a stranger won’t go amiss. May you find a safe place soon.
You and Bill have been through so much, and to deal with the monster two years ago, and think you’re safe, only to have it come roaring back more dangerously than ever… I can understand why you feel that nowhere is safe, no good news should be trusted.
All the hugs, Dawn. I’ve been keeping you and yours in my thoughts and will continue harangue heaven on the topic of your health and well being. You and Bill have been through more than enough!
Ooof. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know there is nothing to say that will help, but I just wanted you to know you will be in my thoughts.
Like so many others, one of my solaces is reading. Reading voraciously. I can always find relaxation in the words of brilliant authors, although there aren’t as many around as I would like (present company excluded). I’ll have to check out Charles Finch.
My second place of safety and joy is my craft room. Yep– an entire room, all to me. This is where I create, mostly cards, just for friends and family: birthday, anniversary, new home, wedding, get well, just because, Happy Talk-Like-a-Pirate day (September 19th each year), and sympathy. Lately, way too many sympathy cards, but they always seem greatly appreciated.
Anyway, no one is in my craft room, telling me I should really use a color wheel or that that card layer is crooked. I don’t paint, draw, or tap dance, but I can whip up a good card. So, I do that in my craft room full of stuff, with little bits of color all over the floor. (My mother-in-law called those little bits “snivvies.” Anyone else know that word? I had never heard it before.)
I’m working on a wedding card right now, in pearl white and Penn State blue, and I’m enjoying it immensely. Thanks for the reminder not to take my happy place for granted.
One of my safe places is a group of four women. We formed during Covid, when the loss of work gave us time to invest in on-line professional development. We loved our connection so much that we continue to meet monthly, sharing challenges and victories alike, both professional and personal. None of us were expecting the rewards we’ve gained through what started as a cordial but professional exercise. In our safe place we give and receive unconditional acceptance, empathy, resources, and advice. We have a break from the unrelenting onslaught of noise, news and negativity. We leave one another with love, laughter and light. I am so very grateful for these women in my life.
I go to and from my solitudes.
And walking off by myself
My thoughts are enough for me. Lope de Vega, original in Spanish which I don’t read.
I first found these lines years ago. Others have touched on them. It’s reassuring to know others find safety in their thoughts. I have always told myself stories going to sleep, while checking out, in the dentist’s chair. Maybe a type of biofeedback? When I start killing people off, it’s time to start a new one.
Maybe that’s why I so like the HEA and cozies with upbeat characters and finales, all neatly tied up in ribbons at the end.
My faith in the presence of God always with me has gotten me through many a low, low point. I see him as a George Burns kind of God who sits on a bench next to me and helps me figure out solutions to my problems. When I need to get away for a bit and have a good cry to release a few endorphins, there’s a campground next to a bayou nearby with several ancient live oaks. Sitting under their branches and letting it all out can do wonders to my attitude.
I am in desperate need of safe places these days. Besides my husband’s health issues and my knee replacement surgery that resulted in a broken knee cap, I feel defeated. So, I’ve reverted to reading ‘old friends’. Books that I’ve read previously, sometimes more than once, call to me. They are interesting yet I don’t have to pay strict attention to detail. Some are amusing and I can’t wait to laugh out loud reading them. One of my all time favorites for laughs is “A Knight’s Vow” by Lynn Kurland. As a ‘PA farm girl’ yourself, I thing you would laugh too. It has kept me sane while waiting to hear how my husband is doing when hospitalized. I have all of your Lord Julian books on hand should I need them in the future. Thank you.
Ann, I am sorry the demons of ill health are plaguing your household. My four brothers, between them, have had an impressive number of surgeries on hips, knees, shoulders, and I’m not sure what else… and they agree, knees are THE WORST. But you do feel better and move around more confidently once the rehab is behind you.
I too turn to old friends–The Slightlys, the Carsingtons, the Spymasters–in what I call compression phases.
I hope Lord Julian comes through for you, and that the news from the hospital is all encouraging.
I always want to feed the dragon! Once I got a book early, my agitation waiting for the next also wants it to be early!
Your work is delightful and always bring joy
Just one more little tallymark for your, rainy day list, when you wonder it matters to anyone. It does.
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