I have not shopped for blue jeans for about, oh, maybe… fifty years. Even now, when I’m at a healthy weight, my calves are so grand that finding pants to fit them often leaves every other aspect of the garment gapping and sagging. I’ve tried men’s jeans, mom jeans, baggy jeans… I just gave up on jeans and thanked heavens for yoga pants and their many near kin.
But this week I agreed to volunteer at a barn dance. Lots of therapeutic riding programs have them. Put the horses out out for the night, hire a band and a bartender, thump the charity donation tub, and enjoy some great barbecue. Not my thing, but I believe in the therapeutic riding mission, the people hosting the hootenanny were very nice, and it was an excuse to buy mums, pansies, and pumpkins.
Except I needed jeans a pair of jeans to wear on the night in question. I asked around, “Where do you buy jeans these days?” (Meaning, in my case, in this century.) Old Navy got a few nods so I checked out their DEI creds, and then had a look. I found a couple pairs of jeans that actually sorta, well, yes, fit. Golly days. That’s odd in itself.
Odder still, when I hauled the first stack of “try these on because it’s the only way to know” candidates into the fitting room, there was a guy sitting on the “take a load off and re-charge” bench (has outlets). Then another guy came in and started sorting through the discards that needed to be returned to the sales floor.
The fitting rooms were gender-neutral, and the sales associates on that shift just happened to present as male.
I had to have a little think about this, because changing my clothes one flimsy door away from where strange men know I’m changing my clothes… that’s a bit of a stretch. I also feel uncomfortable talking on the phone unless I’m dressed, and though I live alone, I lock the bathroom door even to brush my chops.
Hmmm. Guys in the fitting room area. I decided that this is a kinda big deal, because it declares clothes shopping to be a human activity rather than a gender-segregated activity, at least where jeans are concerned. It declares that as a shopper in that store, I am a person first rather than a gender first, and that I’m supposed to look at sales associates as sales associate people first rather than as a specific gender. I see value in this approach, potential equality, and no diminution in the quality of the shopping experience.
But that was not my default thinking. My default thinking, I am sorry to say, was: “When I am literally half-naked, you are making me tolerate the presence of a type of person who has been harmful to me, and I resent that.” Except that nobody made me do anything. Moreover, we are not types, we are individuals, and we each deserve a fair shake and to be judged on our individual merits, not our apparent “type.” Maybe I should have checked my own DEI creds?
I am not ready to buy a bra from a guy, but maybe I should be. When I asked where the ladies’ belts were or where to put back the baggy high rise pair that didn’t fit, the sales associate had the answers. When I gushed a little at the check out over being able to find a pair of jeans that mostly fit, the sales associate made the appropriate “Go, granny, go!” noises.
It can be true, that I am generally distrustful of men in certain situations for good reasons, and also be true that the better path is to see past stereotypes, my own history, and society’s biases, and just be grateful that I found a pair of jeans that fit.
What’s your take on clothes shopping and gender roles? Would you have walked right out (the thought crossed my mind), given it a think, or not batted an eye at gender-neutral fitting rooms? Am I years behind the prevailing norm or is this a new trend?
I would definitely have needed a think, and really appreciate your sharing your experience. The next time the Universe forces me to shop for clothing in person, I’ll already have done the necessary self talk for it to not be a tempest in my tea cup.
I am also generally distrustful of men in certain situations and unfortunately most women have good reasons. I think I’d be okay as long as the door had a lock, but I would be taken aback at first. It’s been a very long time since I bought any new clothes and even those were from a catalog and showed up at my front door. Actually, I probably won’t even be buying new clothes any time soon since I’ve lost enough weight in the last few years to get back into my favorite clothes that I had saved even though they didn’t fit me. A couple of years ago, I wore the same velvet gown to my niece’s wedding that I had worn 23 years previously to my birthday dinner in Paris, and without the undergarment I had worn then!
I used the mens’ restroom at the Hollywood Bowl once because immediately at the end of the performance, the cleaning staff was in the women’s restroom and there was a line of us waiting. I decided to stick my head in the mens’, found it empty and told the other women I was going in. And they joined me. Don’t know if any men showed up though and then had to wait (it’s their turn–I can’t say how many musical performances I missed because of having to stand in line to use the toilet while watching men walk in and out of theirs).
Hmm… I would have to think about it.
I order my clothes from catalogs.
I know my sizes at LLBean and Talbots and get my jeans from them.
Both have stores nearby for returns.
I need a few dresses and may have to go to Macy’s at some point. Not sure what I would do.. you have given me something to think about.
I think it’s a matter of circumstances. Male sales clerks are fine. I haven’t run across any unisex dressing rooms yet, but I don’t think it would bother me in the least. However, if I’m in the big city and a group of young males are just hanging out by a store or on the sidewalk, I will give them a wide berth. Just in case.
I’ve been in a fitting area with men salespeople, but not with only men. (Think it was Banana Republic) it was definitely odd at first, but one of the guys was super nice and helpful. More unique was the first time I was helped at Ulta by someone who identified as male. But again, really helpful and nice. If that’s part of the DEI deal, I’ll embrace it!
Counting down to The Besotted Earl and have Lord Julian on my book calendar! Woo-hoo!
Grace, I know your main point was addressing stereotypes, but I want to focus on jeans. It’s been 50 years since I bought my first and last pair of jeans. I found them very confining and still don’t know why women choose them when there are so many other comfortable options out there.
But you’re opening my eyes to the possibility that perhaps I shouldn’t be so quick to discount them and consider giving jeans another try.
I’ve never really thought about this. I’ve been in dressing rooms where fathers are waiting for daughters, husbands waiting for wives, and male associates abound. Once I’m in my little room behind the locked door, I don’t really think about who’s on the other side. I will turn around and walk out if there’s a gaggle of teenage girls, though. I have lost all tolerance for that.
I’m in my late 60’s, live in blue jeans (which I order through the mail), and yes, I would be uncomfortable having a man close to my changing room, perhaps waiting for me to ask him to bring another size.
I’m former military & date to the years when women were rare in Officer Country & rarer still on deployments to foreign climes, so hanging a Remove Before Flight tag on whatever facility we had to keep a man from walking in on assorted hygiene activities was no biggie. (I’m still annoyed at the Spec Ops guys for grabbing all the monthly products for their medical kits, but that’s another narrative). But those were the disciplined elite who KNEW me.
Having run ins with locals who thought nothing of coming after women with camel switches if we dared to roll up our sleeves in their presence on 120F flight lines, not to mention seeing the gruesome results of males on females they managed to isolate left my hyper aware of the very real threat of men on women by those who don’t care about societal norms of ANY culture or country.
Thus the same woman who’ll drop a hospital gown without a second thought in front of male nurses or doctors will NOT put herself in a vulnerable position trying on clothes alone just because a store or locale decrees gender neutrality. Call it survival instinct following life in 22 countries on 4 continents.
On the jeans front, I order from NYDJ as they carry the 33” inseams my height requires. They also carry a variety of wide-legged, pleated, & trouser styles, which my surgically repaired body requires. Nordstrom also carries Kut from the Kloth in a variety of lengths which have everything from barrel legs to flares. Try the Rack for sale prices.
Good heavens! I have never encountered such a situation so I don’t know what I would think. I suppose I would go ahead and try stuff on if the door locked. If some guy tried to invade I hope I would raise a huge ruckus and in future buy stuff, try it on at home and return it if necessary.
As for your history, I also have one from when I was young. I suspect it impacts me more than I care to admit.
I actively despise clothes shopping – that might play a part in why I’m not the most stylish person around. 😉 Most jeans aren’t long enough in proportion to my lower torso (hips, rear, and belly), so I have to find styles that are too short, but fit everywhere else before ordering “tall” or “long” sizes online. All that said, as long as there are actual doors on the changing room stall and no cameras, I don’t give a flying flip on the gender of the attending employees.
If I’m uncomfortable in a clothes shopping situation (or just short on time), I will pick out several styles in several sizes then take them home to try on and return the ones I don’t want. Yes, an extra trip, but that also allows me to see how things look in light at home instead of glare of store lighting.
And for years, I have worn Amanda jeans from Gloria Vanderbilt. Know my size and fit. Too bad they seem to be discontinued.
How about gender neutral bathrooms! A large room with lots of stalls and a wall of sinks. I’ve been in several restaurants with this setup and the Seattle-Tacoma airport (SeaTac) is adding more of these. The stalls at SeaTac are totally enclosed, like a very small room. It’s very confusing at first but it does avoid longer lines at the women’s bathrooms while men are zooming in and out of the men’s bathrooms. At least airport custodians clean the bathrooms at least once an hour.
I had co-ed bathrooms in college in the 80’s-90’s, grew up with 3 brothers, so I had to think about my changing room experiences to remember if I had been in gender neutral ones. I have, a number of times, and it made zero impression on me. It has always been with a locking door and not tucked away so I’ve never felt unsafe. Women’s dressing rooms/ bathrooms are thought of as safer but there isn’t magic keeping bad actors out, it is a false sense of security in my opinion.
About blue jeans, I wanted to add that I order mine from WalMart, and they have no zippers or buttons. They have two pockets on the front, and are very comfortable. Love my jeans.
I’ve not encountered gender, neutral fitting rooms. I don’t think I’d have been troubled by the mail fitting room attendant. That flimsy door and the presence of others within screening distance would have been sufficient, but I have experienced hospitalization with male nurses. I’d never had any problem with the predominance of male doctors, but receiving intimate physical care from a male while bedridden (without benefit of the female nurse/chaperone that is always present in a doctor’s office) was not a comfortable experience. I worked my way through it, but admit to being relieved when it proved to be a one time situation.
I appreciate Beth’s comments about culture. I did not accompany my husband on his sightseeing tour of the Middle East, in part, because of it.
Like others, I shop mostly online, as I live “rural, remote,” according to the post office, although I recently did score the first pair of denim jeans I’ve owned in a decade. I own overalls for yard work in at least one size too big and can wear everything or nothing much underneath.
Fitting room attendants in places like Old Navy are usually young enough to be my grandchildren. I would hope I was a certain amount aware of attitude and culture as well as gender. I do have a story about a men’s room in Seattle and a very proud, tow-headed four year old son…
Even as a mid-50s person, I’m pretty forward thinking when it comes to DEI stuff — mostly because a very good (and much younger) friend of mine has a good friend who is trans (M->F) and honestly they are the nicest person and I never ever felt awkward around them at all. As somebody who has been overweight most of her life, I haven’t had a lot of predatory interest from men, and therefore don’t have an instinctive “flight” response in general. That said, I did a #metoo like pretty much everybody else. I don’t think a unisex changing room would bother me, as long as the door is sturdy, and locks and seals well. I don’t have an issue with opposite gender service. Honestly, there’s not a lot to stop a man from busting into a women’s changing room in a lot of places (the larger stores like Meijer or whatever).
A door — a good thing. Many dressing rooms USED to have curtains —with gaps— i suppose so staff could see you weren’t trying to steal the merchandise. As I haven’t shopped in person for jeans since 1990-ish, a male in tbe dressing room would be a No-Go-There for me! Or at least initially. I would really have to need those jeans ASAP to consider it!
Congratulations on your jeans shopping. I recommend Denim and Company on QVC and Allison Dailey if you have Dillard’s. Look for boot cut jeans; they have a wider leg.
Thank you for all the wonderful stories. I have read about 60 of your books, and I’ve enjoyed each one.
Off topic, but this might be useful to you, if you haven’t filed for compensation yet.
I just read Scalzi’s post with a useful link to the searchable database for who is eligible for compensation from Anthropic, and it looks like you could get some compensation.
https://whatever.scalzi.com/2025/10/02/authors-time-to-get-that-bag/
If the dressing room has a lock on the door I would be ok with it, I don’t like dressing rooms anywhere if they don’t have a way to secure the door and I want the door to go all the way to the floor and the walls to go all the way up. Other wise I will buy and try it on at home and return it if it doesn’t fit.
Regarding male dressing room attendants…I would have blinked but would remain in the fitting room nevertheless. However, unless he/they were knowledgeable enough to suggest styles that generally fit someone with my small waist and rounded bottom, I would not seek further advice or feedback from them on fit. I would assume the person has not accumulated experience in fitting women for jeans. It’s exceedingly difficult to find a good fit across so many body types. Congratulations, Grace, for finding something that suits you!
As a mom of Gen Z boys I don’t think it would bother me. They see so much of the female form just walking around school or playing sports that I don’t feel the changing room would be sexualized for most of them. Further considering my current age and shape even if it was I don’t think I’m gonna be on their radar.
I really do appreciate the attitude of most of that generation on a lot of things and this is one of them.