I came across a recent article in the Washington Post about the benefits of talking to strangers (paywalled) that cited Nicholas Epley’s book, A Little More Social. When we make small talk at the bus stop or lament the lack of cambozola cheese with a fellow shopper in the dairy aisle, we end up feeling more connected to our community, safer, less stressed, more confident, and better able to tolerate uncertainty.
Even exchanging smiles or merely making eye contact can carry many of the same benefits.
My next thought was about all the ways I used to encounter strangers that are no longer part of my life: checking out books at the library, buying books, buying clothing, going out to watch a movie, banking, attending writers’ conferences, sitting in the courthouse hallway between cases… Some of the changes have to do with shifts in my life, but most are attributable to the internet.
I bank, shop for clothes, buy books, watch movies (albeit very rarely), manage continuing professional education, and check books out of the library online. This raises the possibility that it’s not just staring at screens per se that makes them problematic, and it’s not entirely the addictive and toxic design behind a lot of screen environments that causes harm, but rather, the whole issue is compounded by the sheer isolation we’ve traded for all this online “convenience.” (And doom scrolling on social is sold to us as “connection,” of course.)
I could and have shopped the rummage stores for the items on my Lord Julian covers, or I can cruise Etsy. I could go to the local library branch and browse the physical volumes, or I can just pull up Libby. I still do go to the bank to deposit checks, because I refuse to put a banking app on my phone (“Apps are spyware,” she mutters, glancing furtively to the right and left.) I avoid self-check out like it’s eight hours of elbow-grease housework, and I always chat up my checker.
The biggest way that I’ve put strangers in my life, though, is by volunteering. The cast at the therapeutic riding barn changes daily, and I might see some of the other volunteers once a month or even less frequently. They are “safe strangers,” like the checker at the grocery store, the librarian, and the bank teller. In each case, and especially at the barn, I have a place to start.
The grocery store looks busy, the bank has new flowers out front, the oldest pony in the barn has a birthday coming up. If all else fails there’s the weather. Maybe living alone has made me particularly aware of whether I’m interacting with a human or a keypad, but I think it’s pretty important for me to keep the casual, fleeting, exchanges in my life as long as I’m able to.
Do you talk to strangers? Does the lady at the coffee kiosk sometimes hear your troubles? Do you nod to the other regulars on your walking circuit? Where are the strangers in your life?
I have always talked to strangers. I don’t get out much, except to medical appointments, but I “chitchat” with customer services reps over the phone quite a bit. And last week when we had to go pick up our repaired car, I talked quite a bit with the service techs and the cashier while we were doing all the stuff. I think my ease of talking to people I don’t know is one of the positive side effects of a childhood as an Air Force Brat who moved to a new state or country every couple of years and so was always dealing with “strangers.”
Against this behavior is that I always thought I was shy. But in my early 20s, a therapist suggested I take her course for shy people to help me. At the first session, the assignment was to talk to strangers before the next session. Since I talked to strangers all the time, we decided I wasn’t actually shy, but reserved, and I could forgo the rest of the sessions. I’d say with how much I reveal in these posts, I’m not shy now either.
The older I get, the more I chat to strangers. I’m embracing my ‘chatty old lady’, much to the dismay of my teenage daughters.
Good morning Grace. I do enjoy your blogs. You realize of course that writing a blog and putting it out on the Internet is also talking to strangers. There was a time when I was starting to be a troglodyte. But then a friend and I went to Jamaica for two weeks and stayed in a small local hotel, not a resort and walked around a lot. And everybody smiled and said hello. So I started to smile and say hello back, and when I got back to Canada, I found that if I smiled at people as I went by, they smiled back. Now this is not something I do when I’m downtown, but then I’m not downtown very often anymore.
I have just acquired the newest Lord Julian mystery. Thank you so much, Mary.
Kids.
I was walking with my then about 5 year old daughter and said, “Good morning,” to someone passing on the street and received a “Good morning,” in return. My daughter was frightened. Did I know her? Had I heard about “stranger danger?” How to tell her that a smile and a nod, a good morning, was likely safe if everyone kept walking?
Walking a cute, friendly, well-behaved dog is an instant conversation starter around here.
Here in the South I think it is almost a requirement to talk to strangers. We all say hello to one another while walking, standing in line, admiring someone’s flowers, etc. It is just normal. A good conversation always revolves around someone’s dogs. We just lost ours, so it will be a bit one sided now. Some of the best chats take place at tasting rooms at wineries. Just asking where you from, etc.
I wave and/or nod to people when I am walking.
I talk to the cashier at the grocery store.
My office has an app to reserve your desk. I never know who will be sitting near me when I work in the office. I have said HI to my neighbors and have met some nice people.
Most of my newer friend have been met at dog classes and at my dog club. Common interests.sometimes, we grab coffee after class.
Looking forward to read the next Lord Julian mystery!
My spouse and I read some studies about those “inconsequential” interactions when we were living in our previous state- I think just before covid? It really changed how I tried to approach things like running errands. It made me open to conversations with others, more receptive to others chatting either me, and more likely to put my phone down and chat with others.
I’m an introvert and I’m shy, so my natural inclination is to hide from others and skitter away from conversations. It’s an effort to stay more open, but I do think it’s been net positive overall.
According to people who know me, I don’t see strangers, just friends I haven’t met yet. I’m another who grew up getting towed around the world in the company of adults, then continued my travels with my military service, so smiling & being as friendly & approachable as possible got hammered into me early & often. But it’s also amazing how often it results in a relaxed atmosphere or helpful assistance. 22 countries on 4 continents demonstrates people are pretty much the same everywhere, whether we’re able to talk to each other or simply smile, nod & gesture a lot. Being a Southern girl, I fell easily into the three cups of tea talking things over & honorifics of some cultures. Sweet tea is sweet tea after all. Nice to be home now where I can judge a yes ma’am or sir to a nicety & be mannerly. The baggers at the supermarket know me, I know the life stories of the nurses & techs at the doctors, & the look of gratitude on the timid girl in the headscarf when I gave her a friendly “Salaam!” & waved her ahead of me in line at the cashier brightened my day.
My mom has never met a stranger, and I think I decided at about 3 not to replicate her. I’m willing to smile and say hello, but that ease and sociability is not there. One kid is like my mom, the other two aren’t. Takes all kinds.
I make a concerted effort to make small talk. Since covid, I noticed it was more and more difficult to talk to strangers and so I intentionally met more people with potential for community building and also made myself chat with random folks. Like you, Grace, I will not download apps unless it is absolutely necessary and I view the resultant in person interaction as a 2 for 1. I get something done and have a light conversation. It has helped a great deal and I am about where I was pre-covid. I’ll always be an introvert, but I don’t need to also be isolated.
I’m not surprised by that study because I love chatting (briefly) with strangers: librarians (would never miss my weekly visit to the library), restaurant “neighbours” (what’s did you order?), others walking (“Cute dog!), you get the picture. I’m an introvert so I do well with short and sweet conversations.
I always try to say hello or just smile when I happen to make eye contact. When the person is small I make sure to wave and maybe make a silly gesture. Smiling babies are always a gratifying response.
I always grocery shop in person and have noticed lately that the store staff are making a real effort to be cheerful and helpful where I go – how nice. I take my dogs with me when the store allows pets. They draw a lot of interaction.
I talk to my neighbors on flights if they are like minded. In fact I am heading to a 4 hour flight shortly to go see my granddaughter’s first dance recital shortly.
My bank visits are special. I’ve made Frinds with the tellers. They no my name. It’s lovely. Going to our grocery store is fun. People from all over the planet and lots of folks to share in the isles about best products or if they need a hand to the top shelf. Teaching art to seniors saves my life. All friends. Yelling hi across the street at neighbors. It’s all good and keeps me connected.
Having a lack of social interaction has been on my mind a lot recently. I retired about 2 years ago (I was part time for the year before that). My husband died in March of this year and I find myself truly alone for the first time since I was in my twenties. My son is still living with me but that will likely be temporary. FYI I was 4 days shy of 40 years old when he was born.
My life has been mostly working (I worked at my job for almost 40 years) and then coming home to my family, so I am at a loss. I am currently looking for volunteer activities that would give me something constructive to do, and to be around other people. So far I haven’t found much.
I’ll also try to find a church, although I left my last church and never went back. The pastor spent an entire sermon on the evils of homosexuality and it offended me. I had to wonder, why not pick adultery? My guess was that it would offend too many people in the congregation.
I live in the Netherlands. As in most of Europe, people walk and bike and use public transport a lot more than in the USA, which not only gets some mild excercise baked into one’s everyday life, but also the kinds of small social interactions with safe strangers that you’re talking about here. People on bikes, like people walking, make eye contact and/or exchange greetings; people waiting together at a stoplight or riding together on a bus, train or tram can exchange remarks and looks. As almost all levels of society use public transport, or walk or bike, you get to see and interact with people from different background in a non-scary situation, and realise that we’re all just living our lives. Very different from when everyone is shut into their own tin can on wheels when moving about!
From what I’ve read, the loss of a lot of that kind of simple social interactions plays a larger part in the loss of societal trust than you might think; it’s at least part of why it’s so much harder to create a caring society in the USA.
Hanneke, thanks for your thought. Please don’t give up on us here in the USA. So many of us still try to be friendly and recognize the sate strangers in our lives. I have a trip coming up to visit the Netherlands. Who knows we might be one of those safe stranges who will make eye contact, smile and ask a question or two about your country. I’ll be that gray hair lady who is looking around and tryiong to learn as much as I can about the people of the Netherlands.
I hope you have lovely trip!
After reading this, I am thankful someone still writes positive blogs that can make usthink a little deeper into our life. On the other hand I am alittle sad that we talk about strangers in our llife. for the past several the person I share my house with and I have been sharing our thoughts on this and similar subjects. I think of all the strangers in my life like the persons who respond to your blog. We learn so much from others thoughts! We are miles apart and yet very close in thoughts, ideas, and sometimes visions. Thanks to all the strangers in my life I have incountered thur your blog and particular thanks to you Grace. Although we have never met, I feel a great connection to you through your blog and in all your books. Strangers we may be but fellow travelers in this journey of life we are.
Yes, I am comfortable talking with strangers, and will do so often. My introverted spouse has tutored me well in intellectually detecting introvert vibes (I can be remarkably clueless, at times), for which I am very grateful.
One place I often have great conversations is at our car mechanics! They have a comfortable sitting area, so many folks choose to wait. The owner once told me that they’re happy to have me wait because I am so friendly to the other people and it makes the place more welcoming. Building connections and community, one conversation at a time!