If you want to see me shoot around the room backward with flames pouring out of my nose, just tell me, “We are each responsible for our own happiness.” I’m not sure why I get all riled up at this phrase, but I suspect it has something to do with representing myriad foster children who went from lousy homes to lousy foster homes (maltreatment in foster homes is estimated conservatively at 25% of placements), while being told they should be grateful to have any roof over their heads.
Or it has to do with rampaging cow elephant menstrual cramps for which no medication was supposedly effective until I was well into adulthood and then it was available only with a prescription. I am talking “pass out from the pain” cramps. Every month from age twelve.
Or it has do with South Sudan, Gaza, on and on and on.
I do believe that I am responsible for accepting and managing my feelings. I am responsible for my actions. I am responsible, if I’m miserable, for trying to change that. I type those words, though, from a place of enormous, multi-faceted privilege. I am relatively healthy, I am solvent (finally, for now), I am white, I am single, I am dwelling where the air and water are pretty clean, I was taught to read and write… all good things, but even somebody with all those high cards can get wrapped into an abusive relationship, poverty, disease, or all three at once.
To me, telling that unfortunate person that they are sad, overwhelmed, anxious, and cynical because they just “choose” to focus on the negative is hubris beyond description. It’s a variety of victim shaming and blaming masquerading as a truism, and one that excuses abusers, wealth hoarders, and snake oil salesmen from the consequences of their actions.
So, this is me with my nose aflame. I’ve posted a similar rant about “Ma’am, just calm down.” (Flames out my ears). I am also no great fan of, “What do you learn on your good days?” though that one (of which my mother was fond) doesn’t quite rise to the level of flames. Can’t we just have a bad day from which no Calvinistic sermon must be wrung? And I give, “No job worth doing is easy,” a side-eye, mostly because my mom used that to describe parenting me.
Lots of jobs worth doing are delightful–arranging flowers to take to a friend, baking brownies for the office, walking the dog, sending a get well card… even writing ranty-blog posts can be a pure joy, especially the part about looking for pet pictures to go with 
the words.
What received wisdom grates on you? What aphorism do you hear with an inward side-eye? “That which does not kill me, makes me stronger”? “If at first you don’t succeed…?”
I’m with you on “ma’am, calm down”, especially if it is paired with a condescending hand ️ gesture and/or chuckle.
And coming from somebody one third my age…
‘Why don’t you smile more?’ or ‘You should smile more!’ That one always turned me into a raving lunatic. My job on this earth is not to look lovely and agreeable for your viewing pleasure, sir. This is my face. If you don’t like it, tough ^&*$. Look away.
What man has ever been told he’d look a lot more attractive if he smiled? GRRR.
I am particularly annoyed by “that which does not kill you makes you stronger” it is a discounting of struggles, attacks, bias, all of it. The only redeeming quality is when it is used in sarcasm. I saw a birthday card that said something like “ It’s your birthday and you are still here” open the card and it says “good job”
The “that which does not kill” reasoning never ran into chronic illness, stacked decks, and institutional injustice.
I hate being told to smile. There’s a reason I’m not smiling. Or, you’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Who wants those freaking flies anyway? I prefer realistic sayings, like shit happens. When it rains, it pours. No one wants to hear sweet sayings when **it hits the fan.
I certainly don’t want to be told how I should arrange my face EVER, much less so other people don’t have to acknowledge that I’m upset, tired, mad…
Those are not simple comments, they are malevolent psychic attacks and that’s why everything in us enters in battle mode when in the vicinity of this kind of energy. Our bodies are so very wise!
Or they are reminders of such attacks. I don’t think a family member casually stating, “Most of us are as happy as we make up our minds to be,” really intends me any harm, but you are right: I got to yellow alert just hearing the words.
My personal greatest dislike: “You look tired.”
Thank you! I was so going for that look.
I want to tell those people: Thank you for noticing. I AM tired, so how bout you finish this job while I get some shut-eye?
My maternal grandmother: “Be good, sweet maid, and let who will be clever.”
My paternal grandmother: “You’re average. You’ll do.”
My dad: “Doing/Saying “x” cuts your own throat just a little. How many nicks can your neck take?”
My mother: “Do something nice for someone else.” And “Please don’t let anyone else read this.”
You got it from all sides!
Other than the comments already posted, I always hated “but we’ve always done it that way,” especially while working in a computer field. My response is something like “really, so you came to work in a horse and buggy this morning?” I know a new way is not necessarily better but it’s generally worth a try in my opinion.
And, even worse, “if you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.” I mean, I’m already crying so obviously feel I have something to cry about. Yes, this came from my parents, unfortunately.
From my mom too.
I heard a version of, “We’ve always done it like this,” the other day, in a situation where “like this” was not the safest option and the person who said it was seldom actually responsible for getting it done. Your horse and buggy analogy is apt!
“It is what it is” always makes me grit my teeth. Especially when it’s usually delivered by a privileged white man and really means “I can’t be bothered to change it”.
“You do you” sets me off. Fine. I’ll indulge my inner serial killer & start with the speaker. Bwuu ha ha…ahem!!
On the positive side, the older I get, the more I appreciate my father waking me up every morning with, “Look proud. You’re the best.” We all need someone in our lives who think we’re the best. Even if they’re biased.
“It’s all good.” No. No, it most categorically is NOT all good.
There are a few:
“Calm down” I was calm until you said this!
“You have such a great smile. You should smile more.” OK dude, give me a reason to smile please. The worst time for this bit of wisdom was, when I was a retail manager, the company hired secret shoppers at least once a quarter. One time the had someone come in right at closing time — like a few seconds before time to lock the doors. We were constantly getting lectures about starting to do the closing routines before closing time, so that night the ladies closing were taking out the trash, filling the mop bucket, etc and not out front. My assistant manager raced up, greeted the customer, and proceeded to give the perfect customer experience that lasted 20 minutes after closing time. The only negative thing the owner’s son could bring up was that the employee didn’t have the perfect smile when she came around the corner to greet the customer. “She has such a gorgeous smile that lights up the room, she needs to do it more often.” This comment happened during my performance review. If I had said what I was thinking, I would have been fired or written up at least.
“You have to choose happiness” along with “It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown.”
“Don’t get your panties twisted”
“Be content with what you have.” One of my mom’s lines and I always hated it. I remember fuming that she was content with being in a difficult marriage, I was supposed to be content without limited access cuz I am female, and those “ children are starving in Africa” who were to guilt me into eating Lima beans were to be content as well.
Ugh, I HATE those patronizing aphorisms! And the face that comes with them too! So. Much. Privilege. I don’t think they will ever not make me ridiculously mad. On my deathbed, they won’t have to check for a pulse, just whisper to me, “you can be anything you want to be, if you just work hard enough” and if I don’t sit up and tell someone to stuff it, I’m gone.
The “Ma’am, just calm down” part resonates with me! I had to have my gall bladder out at age 50, shortly after starting a new practice [town omitted]. As I was awakening from anesthesia, apparently I was moaning or crying, and the male nurse in the recovery room said to me “calm down, settle down”. Well, THAT brought me to my senses quickly!!
I think that summarizes the female experience, likely earth-wide. Disregard female pain, tell them effectively to “shut up and bear it”. If they treated me (a physician practicing in their own hospital) that way, how did they treat the usual, non- clinical staff, female patient in distress?? Likely worse—ignoring them and their pain altogether.
The hospital staff had seen me rounding on my patients.
Yes, telling someone to “Calm down” always provokes the opposite. I’m lost for a suggestion of what might work instead, but definitely NOT that.
When people tell cancer patients time strong and fight this,you got this.” Like hell has anyone “got this” when being attacked by this terrible disease. What really sends me into a near homicidial rage is hearing someone tell a grieving person that life goes on and. It is time for them to move. On. Everyone processes grief in their own way. The absolute. Worse is. “It’s just business” used. To justify taking advantage of others.
“Don’t worry your pretty head”. Excuse me, my head just burst into flames and you had better run, fast!!!
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care
of it.” Like hell you will!!!
Thanks Grace, that woke me up 🙂
“She did her best” is one that puts my back up. We all do what we do, and if it’s in the past it can’t be changed. I know I haven’t done my best every day. I can only strive to make the “best” days be the majority. I’m sure those foster kids you represent don’t appreciate being told their neglectful (or worse) parents “did their best”! It diminishes their feelings of hurt, anger, fear, whatever. “We all make mistakes” can be similar , but there has to be a way to be honest with the kids and still allow them to feel, and heal.
I’m adding another:
Lose weight and get some exercise.
“You don’t know what you don’t know” Of course I don’t! Neither do you!
It’s quite irritating.
“Life isn’t fair.” If I am telling you about an injustice, I don’t want to hear this version of “Don’t rock the boat.”
We should all aspire to treating others fairly, and to being treated fairly. In my naivety, I thought that was what the founders intended when they said “all men are created equal.”