I subscribe to a very few newsletters, among them Dense Discovery. This is a weekly dose of graphic design, tech skepticism, and climate awareness leavened with grace, warmth, and humor.
One feature of Dense Discovery that I particularly enjoy is the Worthy Five, which asks five questions of an individual whose biography might be “graphic design survivor and mother of twins….” or, “cartographer and bread baker.” The emphasis is not on what the contributor has accomplished, but on what they’ve learned along the way. One week’s worthy five might be an interesting quote, a worthwhile podcast, a great recipe, a light bulb concept, and a website that is truly worth a visit.
Treasures picked up along the way are shared in one or two sentences with fellow wayfarers around the digital campfire. It’s helpful, great fun, and highly personal to each contributor. I got to thinking about that notion of light bulb concepts as it applies to my own experience.
One insight that has cut across many of my domains is the distinction between expressive language skills and receptive language skills, and how the people who talk the best game might actually be deficient when it comes to the other side of the coin. What do I mean by this?
An example: I’m sitting in a big session at a writer’s conference listening to a Top Dawg expound about book marketing. She’s confident, she’s citing data, she’s poised and relentlessly articulate, even has a few funny asides. Then somebody who is just a regular dawg asks a question, and gets a beat of silence in response followed by a pivot to a pitch for the presenter’s next session or marketing book, or some other non-answer. This scenario is not unusual.
Somebody who talks a great game doesn’t necessarily have the receptive language chops that a much less flashy or “successful” person in the same field might bring to the table. The big dawg might struggle to comprehend what you’re telling her, to make sense of symbolism and metaphor, to integrate old and new information, to pick up on subtext and body language. They can send brilliantly, but they frequently drop the ball when it comes to receiving.
As glib as they are, as confident as they seem, their human insights are often limited. Precisely because they are so readily affirmed for their expressive skills, they are likely unaware of their shortcomings.
Once I caught onto this pattern, I spotted it everywhere–in publishing, in the courtroom, in the social services hierarchy (especially as you progress up that hierarchy), and in myself. I have to work hard at reflective listening, I can be impatient with people who can’t defend their opinions with facts. I do love to prose on for 
thousands and thousands of words, though. Ask me anything about writing a book and then try to get me to hush later the same day.
Have you collected personal insights into human nature? Relationships? Dealing with difficult people? A worthy one or two? Do share!
PS: Lord Julian’s third mystery, A Gentleman in Challenging Circumstances, is now available as an audio book.
Huh, that’s a fascinating insight. I’m going to have to pay attention to that more! When I think about the concept of a great communicator, I think of giving and receiving communication.
I think Big Names in anything are unlikely to be useful to interact with, however. Whatever skills they have that got them to be Great Names or highly successful mean that they are typically jerks with those around them at worst , or just completely out of touch and unable to relate at best. That’s been my experience , at least.
And your hiatus went by so quickly! Did you end it early? I thought you were taking all of July off? I hope you got the recharge that you were craving.
I’ve met some big dawg jerks, but I’ve also come across some really accomplished people who either had so much native talent, or were so immersed in their skill set that they didn’t realize how great a distance existed between them and the rest of us. They just woke up and wrote gorgeous sentences or made spectacular quilts and that was their usual day. I read somewhere that highly skilled women are particularly prone to under-estimating the level of their abilities… wonder why that is (sarcasm font)?
Glad you’re back, Grace. Another thoughtful essay for which I, unfortunately, have been unable to come up with an equally thoughtful response. As I age, I become more averse to dealing with humans and their natures and more hermit-like (is there any way to make money as a hermit anymore?). I try to avoid difficult, and even some who aren’t really that difficult, people.
Hard for a day at home to be a bad day, isn’t it?
Did you wish you had a judge speak up and ask Big Dawg to answer the question?!
I rarely set out to hurt someone’s feelings or question their truth, but often do. It isn’t them; it’s me. I have a hunch that with reasonably normal people that is also true. My sister stating I need to spend some time with Mom can be translated as, “I need a break.”
You are particularly good at addressing that in your novels, I feel. What happens when one person’s experience and DNA meet up with a person/s, society whose backgrounds, expectations and experience is different? “And there,” Colin murmured, “you just snubbed the Duchess of Moreland and her youngest daughter, who happens to be a marchioness.” The Duchess of Moreland understands this, as well.
Awwwww. Waves to Hamish…
You remind me of the conflict professor who said that in most cultures there are ten ways to say yes, but nine of them will mean no. Learning to sort that out is exactly what I’m talking about.
Very interesting comments, Grace. Is this insight going to be explored in one of your books? You always write with a lot of emotional and social insight; that is what makes them worth reading.
Thank you for those kind words, Jean. Yes, I do occasionally dip into this business of who is listening, and who is on broadcast 24-7, and getting a lot of undeserved attention for it? What kind of language aptitude we have isn’t a moral issue, but just as we make every kid learn to write a coherent essay, I wish we also modeled and taught the importance of good listening.
Hmmmm, but on the other hand some of us are better at reflective language sills than we are at expressive skills. I think that’s me. I am pretty good at picking up on facial expressions and body language and getting the gist of things but I might be that person you feel impatient with who is having a hard time defending my own opinion with facts! Karen H has the right idea – making money as a hermit. Now that would be a good job! I also try to avoid dealing with difficult people, and my excuse is that I am getting old.
If you are the reflective languages skills type, you have a super-power. You are the person who can sit through a whole meeting and summarize the subtext while everybody is cleaning up the coffee mess, and your summary will be the most accurate, insightful comment made for two straight hours. People with strong reflective language skills often need more processing time because they are sifting through more data and doing it more carefully than the foghorns do.
Two of my brothers have very strong reflective language skills. When they do speak, WE LISTEN.
So timely! I’m visiting friends and during a card game one player stated another cousin is on the autism spectrum due to a habit. This person is held as an expert by her family. After several minutes of this my filters went crazy! As a counselor I know something about autism and just had to correct her misconception. I tried to do it gently but I found you don’t offer a differing opinion to someone who is held an expert especially in a Texas family gathering!!
I got a good laugh at myself got off my Sagittarius charger and slept well that night! Filters at time are helpful!!!!
Live to speak reason another day… but you feel for the person labeled with ASD based on a habit. Not helpful.
OMG My first thought was, preachers are the worst. They’re used to being the one talking and teaching but few LISTEN or are open to widening their horizons. And I’m a faithful, active church member! I earned a degree in counseling so I learned a lot of different techniques for listening. I think I’m pretty good at it. I’m mostly uncomfortable in large group settings where all the talk is surface and casual. I love most sitting down with someone and getting them to open up and tell me who they really are. I learn so much that way.
Um, what you said. And people listen to them, so they are reinforced for blathering one and on.
Dealing with difficult persons is always a challenge. My husband’s method is and always has been to agree with the suggestion of the difficult person, then do whatever he pleases. He is a pacifist so everyone thinks he is so easy going and such a lovely person, which he totally is. However, having been married to him for or 46 years and counting, I have realized that just because he agrees with someone at the moment, the battle is not necessarily won! I tend to be more confrontational, however, I think there is wisdom in his approach. Stay safe. Stay well everyone!
There is lot of data that says that couples with opposite strengths (confrontational versus pacificist, planner versus spontaneous, highly organized versus relaxed scheduler…) are actually much more functional than the kind where your styles significantly overlap… provided that you can both appreciate the other’s contribution, which is a big IF.
I’ve worked in healthcare for 24 years. We sometimes interact with people at their worst. I don’t ask what do you need or what do you want. I like to ask what has happened? Make eye contact, acknowledge their concerns, treat them like you would want your grandparent, parent, or child treated.
Now that is intersting, and probably gets at the relevant information far more efficiently than, “How are you feeling?”
I believe people are either listeners or talkers. “Nice” talkers allow listeners to get a word in edgewise, otherwise you’d never hear from the listeners.
You do come across fortunate few who seem to have both gifts, and they are a delight to spend time with.
I frequently say the wrong thing by not being good at expressing myself accurately. Finding the right words that mean the same thing as what I am thinking is very hard for me and I hurt feelings and step on toes as I bumble. People who know me well let me finish completely, and really listen, and therefore have a better understanding of what I am trying to say. It can take patience and generosity sometimes, which is not a popular listening style. So I guess my insight is that letting someone talk and listening are not the same thing, and that it is worth noting, when building relationships of whatever stripe, when choosing how much energy to invest.
The French have a lovey expression, “The wisdom of the stairs,” meaning all the insights and witticisms you think of as you are going up to bed, after all the guests have left, and nobody is there to appreciate your (belated) brilliance. That’s me, and that’s partly why I like to write. I can polish and step back and polish again, until the page says what I wanted it to. If only life allowed us revisions!
I’ve dealt with a lot of difficult people in my time (ex-reference librarian in an urban public library system-we got ’em all.) I found that talking to people and taking them seriously helped a lot. Even crazy people are still partly sane. You can usually have a conversation. The only people it didn’t work with was those who were absolutely determined to be awful. Otherwise agreeing with whatever you could in the conversation worked well.
This sort of thing also worked with people (parents) who were upset when one of the 20 picture books they checked out every week turned up missing. Just getting them to move 10 or 20 feet away from the circulation desk gave them enough time to calm down so you could explain the standard working procedures, and listening and responding and maybe repeating the same thing in different ways usually took care of the rest. Sometimes people don’t respond to one thing, but saying it slightly differently makes the internal bell ring.
First, thank you for being any sort of librarian. Second, that business of getting people to change locations is genius. We are more likely to change our minds, to change perspective mentally, if we can change perspectives physically. This is part of the justification for corporate “off-site” retreats, and for doctors prescribing “a change of scene.” Confront the brain with even minor novelty–a different corner of the room–and novel thoughts become more possible.
Welcome back, Grace! It seems to me you had a very short respite, but I hope what you had recharged your soul.
I spent many years in nursing management: supervisor, unit manager, director of nursing, etc. There were always one or two employees that drove me crazy. It took me a while, but I finally realized that I could utilize advice that I gave my daughter when she was in grade school: although bullies and annoying kids may seem strong, they are often just looking for attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s good attention or bad attention, they just need the attention.
It’s not an earth-shattering revelation, but it took me a while to see how applicable it was to professional adults, as well as grubby fourth graders, and I could find more empathy and less annoyance with the trouble makers.
Once again, Grace, welcome back. You were missed.
Thanks, Mary K. Yes, it did seem to me to be a very short hiatus, but that’s a good thing. I’m like Lord Julian (how odd!): I do better with a challenge or two on my plate.
And I applaud your insight. Yes, a lot of difficult people are looking simply to be seen and heard. When a customer service rep starts the discussion with any degree of empathy–That sounds frustrating!–I immediately relax and my patience doubles.
I think some people are very gifted in certain modalities with both presenting/talking ie expressive mode and listening ie receptive mode. Ive known some people in Real Estate and some salespeople who were really keen on creating a win win situation for everyone all the way around in a deal and they were talented at it – the key was listening and finding out what each person really really wanted or what would impact them to be in the win section and then making it happen which was the expressive side. I have seen educators and librarians do this as well. It is what makes a successful troubleshooter. It gets even more complicated when different cultures and people from different countries are involved in a deal where you have to parse what they really want ie what makes a winning or successful win for them I’m a deal or in how to troubleshoot an issue for and with them and others.
I think those who tend to be more expressive and verbose and sometimes roll over others just need to be nicely stopped and reminded that part of a dialogue and conversation means stopping and listening and finding out what is going on with others, where they are coming from , what is important to them and what their needs and perceptions pertaining to the dialogue or in life are? sometimes you have to get them to prompt others to talk, and have themselves shut up and listen to others. Otherwise they can suck the air out of a multiparticipant dialogue or conversation or trouble shooting , brainstorming session. but they can learn and if they care about others and the issue they can learn and practice parsing what others are communicating via receptive listening. and restate back what they think the other person is saying to check if they are receiving the message correctly.
It is HARD to be an intelligent, “tuned in” listener. In short – note that we have two ears but only one mouth and hopefully the brain that connects them both controls the tongue which too often is employed without the benefit of what the ears and brain have noted !