If you ride horses long enough, you hear the parable of the thirteenth rabbit, usually to explain why an otherwise steady, reliable mount lost his little horsey marbles over “nothing.” The story goes something like this:
You’re riding along on a familiar trail and a bunny darts across the path. Your horse, who can’t see very well at ground level, stops short, maybe hops a bit, and is reluctant to go forward. You gently convince this half-ton prey animal that what he half-saw was not a copperhead or horse-eating demon, but rather, “just” a rabbit. Your horse minces forward, but he is built by evolution to accelerate away from threats much faster than his system decelerates when the threat has been resolved.
When, five minutes later, another rabbit cuts from the undergrowth, your horse hops again, snorts again, and halts abruptly. You pat him. “Silly horse. It’s another rabbit. Stop trying to mess with me.”
Except the horse is not trying to mess with the rider. The horse never regained the “all quiet” level of functioning he enjoyed before the first rabbit disturbed his peace. Adrenaline, cortisol, and heart rate all remain elevated, and rabbit No. 2 elevates them further as does rabbit No. 3.
At some point, the same stimuli that caused only a stop and hop, if compounded, causes a full horsey meltdown.
I tell you this story not because I expect you be on horseback when the thirteenth rabbit crosses the trail, but because my house has been hopping-bunny central this summer. The well pump and tank needed replacement–both at the same time. My ancient Prius flipped me the oil light and the tire pressure sensor light the same day. I busted a tooth and in the course of getting that repaired was told I need a crown and also an extraction.
The computer died, and figuring out how to plug in the back up hard drive has a been lunar landing. Various pets have had emergent issues (RIP Gus), and for reasons known only to demented laprines, I decided to write my first holiday mystery this summer. Ho-ho, uh-oh.
Each of these challenges is manageable. This is all, as my daughter says, “life life-ing as usual.” But cram them all together, with no time in between to find my balance, and I’m about ready to start bucking and bolting.
Fortunately, this is not my first trail ride, and I know that a good dose of domestic solitude works wonders on my equilibrium. Give me a couple days at home without human interruptions (plumbers in the basement are an interruption), and I will calm way down. Hand me some good books for my end of day reading hour, and I will start to relax. Give me the authority to organize my days at home according to what I find important (not necessarily what is urgent), and my breathing slows.
These things–good books, autonomy, solitude on the one patch of ground I own–get me out of the yellow alert zone, and I can have all of them if I’ll just exhibit some patience and planning. If I cannot have them, though, my limit drops to three rabbits, and one of those is imaginary.
How do you regain your calm in the midst of overwhelm? Three commenters will go on my ARC list for The Mysterious Marquess.
Oh no!
I have had a few challenges this past few weeks, too.
My new Suburban wouldn’t start on my travel day to an author readers weekend. Not quite two years old and wouldn’t start? Yikes! She had to be towed to the dealership….it was a computer chip malfunction.
Laci ( the corgi ) needed surgery and she is not a good patient.The humidity is not helping matters at all. And let’s not mention work….
I was able to cancel the hotel reservations for readers weekend because I called the hotel immediately. That lessened my stress as the rest of the car situation was out of my control.
Laci (the worst corgi patient in the world) needs 100% watching 24/7 as she does it like being cooped up.
I got out her games and have brought her blanket out to the deck where she can be with us and quiet. She has perfected the stink eye !
Work has been overwhelming; people are on vacation, who wants to work on Fridays? and the sheer volume.
I try to stay organized and work each situation and move to the next.its hard because it seems the work never ends.
Reading, watching a new series on Netflix and taking time to chill on the front porch helps with the stress. We have 2 red tailed hawks in the neighborhood and they are beautiful to watch. I have flowers this year so Greg and I have a new morning routing- flowers then walk. Taking the corgis to nosework helps…seeing friends and watching Greg “find it” makes me happy.
I need to remember when I am overwhelmed….to take a deep breath and work through it.
Take care and keep cool this week!
Dear Grace,
Thank-you so much for explaining to me that I have just faced 13 rabbits while trying to navigate my 76 year old life! Four months ago I decided it would be fun to go to the United Federation of Doll Clubs 75th convention in Kansas City. I had given up being a dealer at the last convention because a $25,000 doll was stolen from my booth while I gave a lecture on the development of the porcelain industry in France. It was a big financial hit and I decided to retire. I thought this year it would be nice to just go and experience the convention. I decided to drive and another friend said she would help. She did not explain she never drove freeways. You cannot drive from New Hampshire to Kansas City in two days without driving Freeways! The 87 year old friend from Indonesia did not drive. I caught a cold at the convention. Thank goodness it was not Covid. I did make it home in the required two days.
One good thing came out of the drive. Rosemarie told us the saga of how her husband’s pension disappeared as Singer sewing machine company merged with another company and hence the decision to live cheaply in Indonesia. I introduced her to Moanna who was works for the Department of Labor. She found my husband’s Bell Labs pension after AT&T claimed it was gone when Bell Labs was closed. We are hoping her husband’s pension will be found before everyone has died!
Taking Rosemarie to Logan Airport turned out to be another adventure. They are rebuilding the Sumner Tunnel which makes Boston’s crazy driving even crazier. I have been the designated driver in my family since I got my license when I was 16. The first time I drove from mid New Hampshire to Logan Airport I was 17. It should take 1 1/2 hours by freeway. I avoided the traffic entering the airport because I took my usual old way. The parking lot near the International terminal is closed to parked cars and is now a cell lot. This has happened very recently. I had lo leave Rosemarie to navigate on her own with her merchandise stacked op on a cart. There are no porters or curbside check in. She managed. I had a meltdown because I had intended to help her
Day after tomorrow, I have to go back and pick up a friend flying in from England. I’m trying to get my granddaughter to go along; so she can goin and help when Olivia comes through customs. Finally the tunnel leaving the Airport was closed completely the traffic was horrible and the usual hour and a half trip took 5 hours. They have been working on this tunnel for two years. The question I really have about the airport is what are they going to do when the ocean rises a foot or two and floods the runways in about ten years? The In the last two weeks, I’ve dealt with at least 10 rabbits and am feeling totally unnerved by life. Despite global warming etc. at least things are unchanging on my mountainside.
In the immediate timeframe after the rabbit runs in front of me, I do some “box breathing” — inhale for a count of 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4. I do this (usually) with my eyes closed while envisioning drawing a 4-sided box for each count of 4. Once the rabbit is out of sight, I have to decide how big a rabbit it was. If it was a really big scary rabbit, I tent to crawl into a good book (often one of yours) to distract myself. Being busy also helps, and my jobs provide me ample opportunity to be busy. Sometimes tidying can help. It really all just depends on the rabbit.
exercise
Avoidance is my main method. That is, I immerse myself in a good romance (or romance adjacent) book and enter another world, where I know that no matter what trials the characters are facing, it will not only be all right in the end, it will be better. Yes, I know that’s not real life but who says real life is the measure? Certain members of my generation (including me) had the saying “Reality is a crutch” and I still use that sometimes.
So, no, I have no words of wisdom except the one I’ve used before “This, too, shall pass,” especially if you escape into a book.
Oh Grace, I’m so sorry for all the rabbits that have been crossing your path! As for me…is there such a thing as a Marathon of Rabbits? I feel as if they have been lined up to cross my path at random intervals all summer. Nothing really terrible, but demanding enough, each in its own rabbity way, that my system is stuck on high alert. Reading (very often one of your books) is my go-to, always. When ny husband ended up in the ER for what eventually was diagnosed as ulcerative colitis, I had started reading your books in the Combined Reading Regency Order. I read through the entire list by the time he was home and able to get off the couch. Thank you for that!
I got a card one time that says”when I get too stressed, I go take a bath until it all gets better…. I’ve been there a week now”. But that is in fact my go-to move. I take a book and submerge to my fingertips and read away the blues.
I have 6 kids: 2 adults, 2 in college, and 2 high schoolers. There are always several things to fret about, some more intense than others. I pray a lot. I also read and crochet in my quiet time because those are things I can control. I also make sure to express my love to each kid every day, just in case.
I am so grateful that I discovered meditation a couple of years before the pandemic! Meditation and breathing exercises help me regain my calm. Also if I can get outside and move my body, like going for a walk. And yes, like you Grace, I prefer solitude to get myself centered again.
From my own perspective, it depends on when that 13th rabbit shows up. Do I have time to dismount and let everyone’s heart quit pounding? Including the bunnies? Do I have enough $$ in the bank to buy my way out of some of life’s curveballs?
And, then there are drugs.
PS Barbara (Mertz) Michaels wrote a book about 400 rabbits addressing that one.
How do you regain your calm in the midst of overwhelm?
…Good question! I ask myself that one a lot of times….
I have long since adopted what I call “baby wisdom”. They bathe at night and leave all the tensions of the day in the bathtub.
But for difficult situations, really difficult, of which there are many in this life so unfavorable for human beings, what I do is a shower at night before going to sleep. About 20′ with hot/as desired water (no soap is necessary, it is not a question of wearing out the skin). The trick is to get to the point where the mind goes “off” and you only feel the physical sensations of the water on your skin. I enjoy adding the sensation of the whole aura bathed and soaked in water that washes away everything heavy and dense. But there is no need to add any visualization, it happens on its own. The water does all the work. Well, the water and the body, there is a natural wisdom here.
And after the shower the feeling of renewal, replenishment and revitalization is extraordinary. It is even good for creativity, of course!
I hope it is useful!
Pilar.
I listen to background music from my favorite Chinese dramas. That always helps my mood.
How do I get calm (and I teach 7th grade)? I knit. It’s my zen. Nothing like working with my hands creating something with yarn. Usually do that while listening to an audiobook or watching a good British mystery on Acorn channel. And then, of course prayer!
I’m dirty that I’m just now seeing this! I’ve had covid, and the third time is definitely not the charm. I’ve had a tin of side effects this go round. Ugh. Anywho, I’m just hoping there might still be an ARC available. If not, I’ll hurry to preorder! Much thanks!
My go to self calming activity is to go see my horse. Even better is an undemanding ride.
I also can lose myself in a cooking project.
And, maybe best of all, is to sit and read a great Grace Burrowes novel.
Lately most of my “rabbits” have been medical, though some house issues have arisen as well. Thankfully, none of the medical issues have been life threatening, but scary all the same. My husband and I rely on each other to diffuse the situations, consoling ourselves and each other about the normal challenges associated with aging. We try to stay as active as possible, both with exercise (Tai Chi, Senior Fitness classes, Pickleball) and keeping up social contacts with good friends. The social interactions reassure us that our friends are experiencing the same wake up calls about their health as we are, so commiserating is calming. Hope your rabbits move along away from your path Grace! Stay safe. Stay well everyone!
When several conditions converge to spike my stress level, I back away and observe myself as if at a distance. I remind myself “this is not the worst you’ve ever experienced. It sucks AND you will work through it.” At times of stress we all retreat to our default behaviors; one of mine is being independent to a fault. I must still learn to ASK FOR HELP when s**t happens.
Oh, those $&): rabbits! I read, sew, and stay up late late with a bowl of popcorn and an old rerun or two. And I go into the parked car in the garage and yell a bit!
Oh! Drat, there are 13? I thought Murphy’s law ruled that troubles come 3 at a time. So I watch and be careful for the third and then can relax & go on for a while- my sanity saver is a early morning walk with my dog, sometimes with a beautiful sunrise, or critter, or native flower to photograph.
Ummmm, as is usual with me, I got my sayings mixed- Murphy’s law – what can go wrong will, & troubles come in threes. I’m good for spoonerisms too! What is undoubtedly a troubleshooting skill (sub- conscious connections) doesn’t work as well in words- I tend to skip along and continuity suffers. In this new world of labels, probably an autism thing. Lol