I know the pandemic is truly in the rear view mirror because writers are starting to get together for conferences again. Not the monster cons of yore, which only about twenty venues in the whole country could accommodate, but nice little get togethers at the retreat or single-hotel level.
I agreed to participate in one of those gatherings near my home (DC and Baltimore are both handy), and arrived the night before I was supposed to present. I needed the time to get back in conference mode, where reading name tags without appearing to and listening over a lot of conversations in noise-bouncing rooms are mandatory skills. I also did not want to leave the venue to find dinner, which would have necessitated driving in suburban DC. That activity belongs on my un-bucket list, so I just invited another name-tag-wearing writer to join me at the hotel restaurant.
I did not in fact catch her name, She’s of mature years, a doctor on hiatus from the chaos of American medicine, originally from West Virginia, and very interested in 
Regency history. We talked and talked, about the parallels between the Regency’s notorious Six Acts and the current sitch. About older women being pushed out and taking healthy organizational culture with them. About too many older men facing a bleak terrain (partly of their own making) after retirement.
I came away from dinner having been pushed to listen reflectively rather than defensively, having been challenged to look for areas of common perspective and areas where my perspective was too narrow. I felt heard at times, and once I even laughed out loud. My conference skills are rusty. I can’t read people all that well, I’m not as schmoove with my small talk as I wish I were, but I was reminded at the dinner table that it’s good for me to sit down with strangers from time to time. Really good.
Of course, a conference is an ideal place to do that. I’m guaranteed some mutual topics of interest, my usual obligations are for the most part parked at home, and I’m safely in public the whole time. I was struck though, by how few places in my life, and in 
American life in general, are good places to pass the time with strangers. Six days a week, most of us either work or worship with the same people. Americans also don’t have a “local,” a watering hole that’s part club part hideout.
Why build a society like that, where it’s hard to find new connections, or is this a personal problem, that I can solve by joining a reading group or hanging out at the library? Hanging out at the basketball court in the park? Where do we have fertile ground for new connections that are safe enough to be inviting and novel enough to be interesting? Where do I find such settings–if anywhere–in my books?
Thus am I inspired to ask new questions and investigate new answers, because I had a lovely dinner with a stranger. When was the last time an encounter with a stranger brightened your day? Have you been the day-brightening stranger?
PS: I’ve already sent out the first batch of Advanced Reader Files for The Elusive Earl, book three in the Bad Heir Day Tales series, and the print version has gone live as well. If you’d like an ARC file, please let me know at [email protected]. I do have an ARC limit, but we’re not quite there yet!
I don’t really interact with strangers much as I am a total homebody. But I did compliment the two women taking my blood recently for good punctures (and that means something as I really hate needles) since that brightened my day, and last night I honestly complimented the leggings and top the woman holding the door for me at the restaurant was wearing because the pattern was “cool” (in my book at least; that’s probably not her term since she was much younger) and she gave me a big smile with her “thank you.” I don’t have sitdown conversations much but I do thank people who hold elevators or doors for me and smile when I pass someone in a small space and compliment people’s clothes (I love a good tie). Not much, but I feel better and I hope they do, too. Maybe I’ll follow your example and graduate to full conversations one of these days.
American car culture and the land use zoning rules in the US are a large part of how and why such ‘third places’ (a place where you meet people that is not home and not work) and spontaneous encounters with different people have become so rare in the modern USA.
If you’re interested, you can look up Strong Towns as a good entry point for learning more about this.
For your books, I think you already know all this. Historically people lived much closer together and most walked nearly everywhere. People clustered together within walking distance of the church, the local pub, the corner shop, the weekly market, the choir practice, the village school etc., and met each other on the streets and lanes as well as in those ‘third places’. Even the lord on his horse could see face to face with the walking villagers of all ranks and stations around him and exchange a few words. People walking might rest a bit on a bench or stile and chat with whoever passed. People met cronies and strangers in the local pub (or on the benches outside overlooking the square), saw the visitors at church on Sunday, could share a bench in the town square before hauling home the groceries, or discuss life while picking over the goods in a shop or at a market stall.
In town most poorer lodgings didn’t have a way to cook things, so most people picked up a pie or something to take home to eat for dinner at a local pub or cookhouse.
Stopping and chatting for a bit is a lot more natural and normal in those circumstances. Just having places to sit and rest or eat your lunch in the sun while watching other people walking about really helps with bringing life to a place.
That casual human contact also helps to see everybody as just people, going about their daily lives, instead of as a constant threat of ‘stranger danger’ from anyone who isn’t exactly like you; unless you’re so status-conscious that you dismiss all the less-privileged people you meet as one big mass of ‘unworthy of consideration’ rather than people in their own right.
There were probably also regular get-togethers at people’s homes, for things like letting the kids play while the moms worked, or a womens’ sewing circle (or a quilting bee in the USA?), with maybe one person reading aloud while the rest sews, and more general conversations too.
Hunting and larger agricultural events also brought diverse people together, men and women, as at a barn raising. The twice-yearly cleaning out the ditches is often a communal activity, or mending the fences and hedgerows in less watery countryside. A group of neighbors would often harvest each farm together as they ripened, with added (sometimes itinerant) day-laborers; or mustered the sheep together for washing and fleecing.
For general contact-rich circumstances think more like modern European people-friendly towns with pedestrianised city centers, or even Disneyland, rather than modern car-centered American towns.
Without car traffic, streets are quiet enough to hear birds singing, let kids play, and have a pleasant conversation.
I remember my grandma telling me how as a girl she’d walk in the middle of the street with her friends, 4 girls abreast arm in arm, singing ” We’re not moving out of the way for anything, not even for a horse and wagon.” Then the first automobiles caused a sensation; and now the streets have had all the life moved off them to enclosed, mostly indoors, spaces with limited access. ‘Jaywalking’ pedestrians moving in the streets has always been normal and still is in most places; only in the USA has it been criminalised. Trying to grasp that the streets belong to the people who use them for all sorts of things, from playing to peddling, rather than to cars (moving or parked) is a big shift for a modern US viewpoint, I guess; but it does immediately widen the scope for personal contact.
Our office culture has changed dramatically since Covid.
We are required to work 6 days a month. We have to reserve a desk using an app and sometimes find ourselves sitting with people that are new to us.
Last month the person who was sitting near me was having phone problems. We have a new phone system and it takes a bit to get used to it. I went over to her desk, introduced myself and showed her how to connect into the system. We say hi now when we are seated near each other.
My team is scattered all over the floor. I take time to find them and check in. A few team members are new to me and it’s is great to connect and learn from them.
Meeting new people can give you another perspective and helps me with problem solving!
Have a great week Grace!
I am a confirmed introvert, so conversing with strangers doesn’t come naturally to me. However, I and my husband have become quite active in our local senior center (I occasionally work there and he comes along for the ride, a two-fer!). We have been instrumental (as in having facilitated it almost entirely by our lonesome!) a monthly coffee klatch to bring people together to chat and make new friends. It has been remarkably successful, increasing in attendance each month it has been held. Of course, as hosts and organizers, it falls on us to be sure everyone is comfortable, fed, and introduced to new people. I’m quite proud of myself for managing not to cower in a corner, clutching a cold cup of coffee, hoping no one notices me (which is my natural state). Sometimes it is good to step out of our safe space. Stay safe. Stay well everyone!
I have been to a few public dinners where the dinner seating is designated by name and you find your seat among six to eight people …none whom you have met prior to this event. I am not by nature a person who is comfortable either in crowds or among strangers, even if we share some kind of connection that put us together at the table. I find that if I can just imagine in my mind that these people are just as uncomfortable as I am feeling…which is probably a factual statement..that is the motivation I need to smile, introduce myself and try to start a conversation that will break some kind of barrier and relieve us all of this terrible discomfort. Surprisingly,at times, I have even received beneficial thoughts and ideas on situations I have been struggling with in my personal life. If we take the time to leave our comfort zone we soon realize that many people will do the same and what starts as a potentially negative encounter ends ups being a enjoyable and most interesting evening
Ah! I have a good answer. I was calling references while hiring some home help. I talked to a woman with struggles at a level similar to mine. We “clicked” as we talked and I gained some important knowledge. It was a true bright spot during some very hard times.
A happy bubble:)
More people in my community know my dog that know me… but you do have the opportunity to talk to many different people.
Dear Grace,
My home turf is 165 acre patch of forest in New Hampshire. It is snowing outside right now.isolation is my everyday reality.
I have signed up for my 60th Reunion at Roland Park Country School in Baltimore. A classmate who is a real estate agent from Florida called me yesterday and is going to be my roommate.
We were taught by a group of lesbian professors who were fired from Wellesley college in the 1930’s for being gay. I started at RPCS in 1953 when most of the dear ladies were coming to retirement age.i realise now that they were closer to Jane Austen’s time than the present. I think that is part of why I enjoy historical novels. Lately I have said my gratefulness prayers everyday for such wonderful teachers and their loving strictness, giving structure to our young lives.
I’m looking forward to seeing old friends but worried that I have lived too long in isolation. I’m hoping to break out of my isolation and reconnect with old friends.
Hello Grace and all the lovely people in this community. I think Hanneke is on to something. After living for 30+ years where every activity required a car trip, I made the deliberate choice to move “downtown”. I now live within a 20 minute walk of everything I need/want and the walking has given me A Whole New World of acquaintances as well as taking away a few pounds/kilograms! While we don’t sit for hours solving the issues of the day, we do check in with one another and we notice when it’s “been a while”. This certainly wasn’t happening during all my car years!! There are some challenges – finding the natural quiet takes more effort and not everyone is inclined to be friendly – these simply fall into the New and Broadening Experiences category of living long enough!!
As a confirmed introvert, this is something that I have been very consciously working on. A couple surprises for me on the topic of burnout (rearing special needs kids during quarantine is not something I have bounced back from) is the importance of casual acquaintances and small talk (Burnout by Nagoski and Nagoski). There are many other points in the book, but an actionable item for me was increasing contact with new people. So I go to drop in mah jong (low novel conversation requirements, you can stick to comments on the game! Perfect for introverts, plus you are doing something with your hands no need to figure out how to have casual and comfortable body language!), go to a couple no commitment bookclubs (you already know what you are going to be talking about, I love that), and exercise with a group of strangers. This has resulted in some new friends and great conversation on the regular but also many superficial conversations with strangers, and it is still hard but I can feel the good it is doing for me so I am keeping at it. Also, just participating in synchronized activity is really helpful to your nervous system, no chatting required!
Also the Bad Heir series is my new favorite, book 1 is my new all time GB book. Keep them coming Grace! Please and Thank you.
Well, that doesn’t seem like a difficult question, Grace, as I know I have had many of those situations over the years— but do you think I can think of a single one to share? I am what my daughter always called an introverted extrovert. If I have my druthers, I stay home, read a book, do crafts, hang out with the DH. However, if I’m in a social situation, I can become downright gregarious. I love talking to people, especially people I don’t know but who appear a little uncomfortable or overwhelmed. They often have such interesting backstories because they haven’t shared them much before. I’ve never been disappointed!
I would love an ARC, if you have any left.
Thank you,
Dawn
I have been making a concerted effort since Covid started at encouraging these microconnection kind of interactions. I think they are so good for us!
For a few moments, pondering your question, no memory came to my mind…and I kept thinking “it must have been in a previous life far, far away”….
Then yes, I remembered an event I took part in 11 years ago, where I had the opportunity to enjoy these informal meetings and chats with people who were complete strangers to me. Truly human, peaceful and mutually expansive conversations, with no daggers wrapped in words. But…11 years!
No wonder we feel longing for true human relationships.
Thanks, Grace, The Elusive Earl has popped up in my email. I’m going to enjoy it a lot.
If you live in the South, talking to strangers in the line at the grocery is a way of life. Short, but sweet. Folks walking in your neighborhood, whether it is in a huge metropolis or a small town, almost always smile and wish you a good day. Or ooh and aah over your dog. Or you over theirs. There can be small talk in the library over the new books section, asking opinions or giving them. Perhaps someday I’ll join a book club, though my one and only experience with one was laughably awful!
I have been blessed to have had, until recently, a “local” for almost ten years. Brusier’s Hot Dog Place was a remodeled gas station/garage that was THE place to hang out for Chicago Cubs fans and those who wished they were. That may not sound so unusual but I leave in Slidell, Louisiana, just across the lake from New Orleans. In other words, about as far away as you can get from Chicago without falling into the Gulf. The food was great and the company better. There was ALWAYS someone you knew in attendance. I appreciated them most when I would take my laptop there in the middle of the afternoon for an hour or two of uninterrupted writing and plotting. An ice-cold diet coke would be placed at my elbow periodically and if I was lucky, an afternoon Cubs game would be on the tv above the bar. With much sadness, their lease was not renewed and they have moved about 30 miles away to enlighten a new community about exceptional hot dogs and baseball in general. I have tried several places to find my new writing niche. Nothing fits so far, but I have hope! I know you will find your special space soon. Thanks for the ARC. The Earl and I will be visiting as soon as my husband leaves on his two week trip next week. Ahh, unlimited quiet reading time!!!
I teach, so I get a large set of strangers twice a year. Outside of work, though? Sometimes I say a single sentence or two to a fellow bookstore shopper or I may have a small chat with a barista. It’s harder for me to speak to strangers in libraries unless there’s a designated event going on because everyone usually looks very focused, and I don’t want to disrupt.
The most organic introductions I have are when walking my dog, because she is a massive ham and must say hello to every human being we meet (she’s an English Cream lab of the couch potato variety). I can always tell when someone’s had a Labrador because they greet her like they’ve known her all their life, and sometimes they get misty-eyed, and when they look up at me, they say, “I had a Labrador,” and I think, “I know,” but what I say is, “oh?” And then they grin and share some kind of goofy, wonderful memory. By the time I walk away, there’s some kind of tether between us, forged from a bittersweet mourning of how horribly short a dog’s life is, mixed with wonder and appreciation for how good they are at loving us. Because labs are somewhat ubiquitous with the dog-crowd, I’ve had varieties of that interaction with everyone from a neighbor somewhat recently immigrated from India, to a stoic-looking man at the dog park, to a mother helping her college-aged son move. I think we need more labradors, but also places like those you mentioned—where strangers can gather and connect. It’s sad that to meet my neighbors without being a nuisance, we need to be pulled towards each other by a 70 pound cannonball on the end of a leash.
It’s a terrible struggle particularly to find any way to meet men, and not even for anything – I just enjoy male friends and company.
Joining knitting groups has been good value for making long term female friends as well as just community. The first time I joined a knitting group was scary but since then it’s been better. Not everyone becomes a close friend but it’s generally a mutually caring group.
Book clubs have also been a mixed bag, mostly women, but I’ve read a few interesting books. My church book club (not religious books) has more men, mostly the retired type.
I heard an interview with the author of Bowling Alone who says his works is just as relevant even now. I think the radicalization of men is partly due to social isolation.
I’m incapable of sitting in a sports bar watching a game. I don’t like drink or sports that much. People always say do things you enjoy and you’ll meet people and this is profoundly not true. Even when I did something less gendered like a rock climbing class. It was another single woman of a certain age and a bunch of couples.