I am now the proud owner of two spendy little hearing aids that actually fit. This took some doing. When the nice man passed me over the first pair and showed me how to put them in, I told him immediately that they were uncomfortable.
“That’s like my glasses,” he said. “I hated the idea of wearing glasses and resisted and resisted, and at first, they were annoying. But now, I forget I’m wearing them.”
I’ve worn glasses since I was three years old. And part of me wanted to tell him, “This is different. I’m NOT saying the hearing aids are annoying or distracting, though they are both. I’m saying that wearing them hurts me.” Except I didn’t say that. I walked out of the shop with two smarting ears, determined not to be that whiny old bat who’s ungrateful for miraculous tech and can’t deal with an acclimation curve.
Four days later, I was a cussin’ old bat. The nice lady from the hearing aid shop front desk texted to see how things were going, and she got an earful. Both ears were seriously sore, to the point that I could not wear the dratted things at all. The scheduler got me back in there, pronto, and the same nice man explained that I had very small, twisty ear canals (the same ear canals I’d had the other six times he’d looked at them), and I needed smaller equipment.
Well, duh and a half, my dude. His cluelessness is not the point. The point is…
I know that beyond any scintilla of doubt, women’s pain is dismissed by medical professionals. If you’re a woman of color, it’s even worse. Women are frequently prescribed sedatives for the same painful symptoms in men that routinely merit analgesics. I’d told this guy I was uncomfortable and he went off on his little riff about getting used to wearing glasses. GAH.
Why did I wait for those people to call me? Why didn’t I A) straighten the man in the lab coat out on the spot, or B) call the shop 24 hours later and report a failed fitting? I know better. Any interaction with a medical professional has the potential to end with me in un-managed pain. And yet there I was, trying not to be whiny.
So I am humbled to find that I’m just another easily dismissed, hurting female–dismissed in this case, at least initially, by myself to some extent. I’m also hopeful that this very minor, easily addressed incident is instructive enough that I am not fooled again in a more serious context.
Have you been in the fool-me-once penalty box? Maybe even fool me twice but not three times? Have there been times when you had to admit, “I KNEW better!”
I’m sending out ARC files for the novella A Kiss for the Ages on Tuesday, June 10. If you don’t have a file by then, and you’d like one, email me at [email protected] and let me know which device you read on.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m an eldest and almost always speak up for myself, or because I tend to forget most of the bad stuff, but I cannot think of a medical instance like yours off-hand. However…
It’s not at all the same but when I was in my 20s and married to my ex, he and my Mom and I drove to visit my aunt in Milwaukee. It was Thanksgiving and for some reason we didn’t have a family meal but the three of us went to a nice restaurant. I was the only one who ordered the traditional turkey dinner. When it came, it looked and tasted more like something from Woolworth’s (for you youngsters, that was a dime store that had a lunch counter and I meant the turkey looked like a pressed roll and the mashed potatoes tasted like instant). I was going to tell the server when she initially stopped by but both my husband and my Mom basically kicked me under the table to stay quiet. But I couldn’t eat it (I have such a strong gag reflex that I have to watch what I put in my mouth to avoid the repercussions) and at the end of the meal, the server noticed and told me I should have said something. Which I knew but couldn’t buck both my ex and my Mom.
As far as why, most of us females are reared/socialized to be nice and not to do anything to make anyone dislike us. Even today, it’s a very strong part of our society. I don’t mean we all need to go to the other extreme and be “Karens” (yes, I get the irony) but there needs to be a middle ground. Anyway, continued good luck with your new aids, Grace.
It’s infuriating, isn’t it, so be dismissed just because we don’t have that dangly bit that makes men think they are the end all be all arbiter of How Everything Should Be.
Most of time I think society would be so much better off without men at all. Grrr.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk! Haha
I remembered something. My gynecologist prescribed once-monthly Boniva for osteoporosis. I took it for a couple of months and 2 days after the 4th dose, I vomited at work. The next day I had painful gas, and the next day I felt like somebody had punched me in the chest/sternum. The day after that my knees and hips started hurting and the next day they hurt so bad, I could just barely walk by holding on to the walls in the office. This being Friday with no relief over the weekend, I called the doctor’s office on Monday to have the nurse tell me that these were not side effects of Boniva. However, I had the actual company brochure in front of me and they were listed, which I told her. She was insistent and so I hung up and called my primary care provider. They agreed I should stop the Boniva, which I did. Since it was an all-female ob/gyn practice, I admit I was very disappointed by their behavior, and I never went back. Do they teach “it’s all in your head” if you’re female in medical school or something?
Also, the hardest thing I had to get used to with my hearing aids was the loud sounds when I chewed food. I’m okay now but still have to take them out when using my electric toothbrush. As I always say, our bodies (or maybe just mine) are weird.
Our daughter wears a hearing aid. Recently, when visiting my mother, her grandmother, I went to get her when Mom was having trouble adjusting her hearing aids. Our daughter’s comment was, “Those don’t fit. She needs a different end, maybe even a pediatric device.” My mother has dementia and wouldn’t know what was wrong, other than it wasn’t working. Get all that sorted before you lose your mind… and let your nearest and dearest in on your issues.
Oh, is this like that letter I got from the geneticists I was referred to, who were all “We know chances are extremely good you have a genetic condition that REALLY complicates your life, and makes it dangerous for you to have anesthesia, but there’s no official test for it, so–good luck with that”? Those guys??
Love your honesty! Medical sexism is completely real. Glad things got sorted out.
You were a lawyer—you should make him give you credit for the 1st pair to cover the cost of the 2nd pair—especially since you told him immediately they hurt! Do you have any legal recourse here?
Bye the bye—-Costco sells hearing aids for a fraction of the cost of those purchased at “hearing center”. Those whi have them are very pleased.
I almost bled to death while a whole bevy of know-it-all doctors poo-poohed my very accurate description of symptoms as hyperbole. Fortunately for me, a cardiologist in my congregation took one look at me, shoved me into a pew (it didn’t take much at that point), pulled down one of my eyelids without a by your leave, & demanded to know where I was bleeding from. Opened up his office, hooked me up to the machines, & muttered, “I don’t know what your heart is running on, because it sure as hell isn’t oxygen.” He & his doctor wife moved the proverbial mountain & shortly thereafter I found myself in surgery at Mayo Clinic because I was beyond the skill of even the regional specialist. Thank God for actual healers in the profession who paid attention to what was in front of them instead of a computer screen. They saved my life.
Now I have doctors who demand to know why I let things drag on so long & LISTEN when I report a symptom or allergic reaction. But I still let things drag on because I’ve been conditioned to wait until something has reached chronic stages by a lifetime of being ignored.
And please, ma’am, may I have an ARC?
I just got a creepy muscle dysfunction diagnosis that it took me at least 10 years to solve. I have been sent to more counseling sessions and web sights than I can count. Now it is left to me to figure out if there is anyone out there that can help me deal with it.
Other than that I have many stories, which one do you want to hear? The end of my hearing aide adventure is that I have an audiologist who makes custom molds for my weird ears… life altering
Get yourself a female audiologist. I did and she immediately – at the first fitting told me what the problem was and how I could work with it. I also track down a female specialist if I have a medical problem that only a woman could have.
Love your books and believe that over the years I have read each and every one —except for one series of which I am not so fond.
Enjoyed your novella just published. and am busy reading latest Lord Julian. I am 87 and while I can download and read from my phone or my computer etc, I still prefer to read a READ Paper BOOK.
I had to get new contact lenses once. As soon as I put them in I knew that prescription was wrong. I was told I simply had to get used to them. I had been wearing contacts since the earth’s crust had hardened. Told them there was no getting used to the wrong prescription. The optometrist was really irritated but they checked my eyes again and finally did it right. Thankfully he moved elsewhere and his replacements were super!
Because we are taught from day 1 to suck it up and move on, that’s why! I was not allowed to assert myself, or I was in big trouble “don’t be smart with me, young lady or you’ll be sorry.” We didn’t complain, we did t assert ourselves. I still have trouble doing so, and it took me years to learn how to calmly and objectively voice my opinions. I usually succeed.
My daughters, however, are completely different. They are straightforward and plain spoken, stand up for themselves and are very assertive. Sometimes I wish a little less, specially to me!
Congrats on the hearing aids. My husband had very similar experiences. Considering the ridiculous cost for a very inexpensive piece of technology (think iPhone and what you get for less than $1000). We finally had our fill of the ninnies and found a practice that had PhD. audiologists and have been so pleased. Everyone at the practice either wears them or has a child or spouse who wears them. If you look for a new practice, try and choose one that also caters to children- you will find their patience and level of compassion much higher. Hearing aids are not perfect, but they do make life so much better. Congratulations on doing this!
I also have small ear canals and ear buds never stay in. I have over-the-ear aids and even then they were constantly falling out and dropping to the ground (parking lots, airplanes, etc) Finally two different women told me to get tails for my aids. The audiologist calls them sport locks, but they made all the difference in the world. I haven’t had an aid fall out once since then.
Things should NOT hurt. Things should fit correctly. Cute shoes, I’m looking at you!
Ugh, so many times I have been dismissed in a medical setting. I am currently switching primary doctors because she told me to just continue taking pepcid for pain and discomfort that were really unbearable. By unbearable, I mean I really could not function well it was so bad and pepcid was not going to do anymore than it had done for the 6 months I had been on it, nor the other meds tried. It ends up to be Celiac disease which I figured out (my youngest has Celiac, and I finally noticed I was feeling like they looked to be feeling as an infant with somewhat atypical symptoms) and went to see a specialist who believed me (and tests have backed up). It is so common for pain to be trivialized, it is infuriating.
I’m glad you have the hearing aids sorted out! Don’t be too hard on yourself for walking out of the store with the original pair, we all fall for the “it is fine” feedback sometimes, just like we are taught.
I lost a little over 30% of my hearing and also have constant tinnitus due to being hit really hard in the head when I was in elementary school. It left me with a seizure disorder. An audiologist I consulted several years ago told me that hearing aids would not help the hearing loss. I got used to it. If I watch a program, I use captioning. I like to read on my kindle fire – I use the black background with white lettering. My favorite hobby is reading.
This is a little funny, but I never knew I had tinnitus until the audiologist told me. I thought everyone heard that rhythmic sound. Kind of like crickets.
I love my neurosurgeon who took care of my burst brain aneurysm. But even he can have a crazy day.
I have follow up visits with him every year or so. My husband insisted on going with me to my visit earlier this year so he had to take a day off from work. At the last minute, the doctor had an emergency (saving someone else who had a stroke, most likely) and had to postpone to another day. So husband had to take another day off from work to go again. This time, when we arrived and checked in, the nurse told me to hurry, that the doctor might have another emergency but he might be able to fit me in first. So we hustled down the hall to the exam room and she immediately took my blood pressure instead of resting a moment like usual. Blood pressure was the highest I have ever had – when I normally have low readings. The doctor did come in. He took one look at my blood pressure and fussed at me that I needed to see my primary care doctor about my blood pressure and I needed to start exercising to bring it down. I didn’t say anything because I knew he was stressed (when he is normally very calm and friendly). I knew my blood pressure was up because I was worried about my husband being angry if another appointment was cancelled, using up another day off. I knew my blood pressure was up because it was taken after almost running down the hall. So I nodded and promised to do better. No sense in saying anything to my neurosurgeon.
And my most recent pressure reading was the lowest I have ever had.
The comments… we put up with so much. I’ve worn glasses for years, have spare pairs everywhere and usually wear a pair on my head (for distance) and a pair for screen work. I got tired of this, had a test to get some varifocals. Come the day I got them, I tried them and could see nothing to clearly, shop assistant insisted that I wasn’t looking through them correctly! I stood my ground, wouldn’t leave the shop until the optician came out from behind their little area. They hummed and hawed and made excuses, until I tried to look through one lens at a time, they’d put them in the wrong way round. As one of the other comments said, they should work and they certainly shouldn’t hurt Best of luck with the spenny ear thingies (blimey they cost a fortune!).
I do the same thing. I find it hard to trust my reactions about pain especially. Glad you got ones that fit. I hope they work.
We were taught not to put people out, to be nice, to smooth things over for others, to not be a bother.
Don’t be angry or frustrated with yourself, our whole culture did a good job inculcating second class female status.
I enjoy all your books but was delighted with a Kiss for the Ages.
Ah, Grace– I’m proud of you for GETTING hearing aids, period. So many people put it off because of vanity. Now, so sorry you had to endure that kind of pain because the ass who gave them to you couldn’t hear you say, “THEY HURT!” I hope he was smart enough to apologize upon your return, rather than blame the equipment. (Probably not.)
As an RN, I do know that female pain is seen differently than male pain– even by female staff and/or practitioners. My darling husband’s pain is immediately tended to, even though his pain tolerance level is miniscule and he knows that. I do think that my experience as a critical care nurse carries some weight when I complain, although it shouldn’t. Take care and thank you so very much for my ARC. You are very kind!
I have found that female healthcare providers, and in particular, Advanced Nurse Practitioners, (ARNP)’s are far more likely to listen and to hear me. Glad you resolved the issue. Hope those little gems are comfortable now.
Best wishes.
Oh, please send me a copy of the arc for kiss for the Ages. I use kindle format
I think that we, women, have been cheated upon entering this world/reality/lifetime. I mean, deep inside me there is this knowledge, this feeling that is an absolute certitude, that women and men are equals and are meant to be equals. This would be fair play.
… But…
It has taken me many years and I’ve finally discovered that there is a subconscious programming ruling this system/society (patriarchy) that says that men are the only persons and women are not persons. The whole system/society is based upon the role adscribed to women: they are here to support the system (patriarchy)/the men and, of course, that means that they have not the right to be treated as persons because…
…Oh, didn’t I say it?: Women are not persons!
So if you find yourself being treated unfairly…and I mean humanly unfairly, your pain, your suffering, your hard work, your intelligence, your thoughts, your very existence and son on being dismissed as insignificant…hey! Take a look in the mirror, maybe you are a woman!
So, next time you go out remind yourself and be aware that foul play is the game of the system.
And, Grace , thank you very much for A Kiss for the Ages!
I have had a similar experience with hearing aid specialists. I say they tickle my ear; they say I’ll get used to it. I go back and say they still tickle. They say try again. We’re playing ping pong with my hearing.
I love your books. That’s the bottom line!
Having had extensive experience with medical pros and semi-pros, I can say that pointing out their mistakes to their faces is no small undertaking. Be prepared to apologize before and after such a fraught endeavor, and don’t be surprised if grudges are held, and a sly note (“difficult”) is put in the margin of your record. They have gotten away with condescension for so long that being called to account is for them untrod territory.
Very well expressed Ms. Burrows. Your gift for word craft is a gift to your readers. Even if we’re talking about hearing aides and how we shoot ourselves in the foot at times.
Grace, after reading “Listening Aids,” I had to tell you about the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) comedy show “Small Achievable Goals.” It’s available via free streaming on CBC Gem, which I *think* is available outside Canada. It’s a mini-series largely about the minimizing of women’s pain and women’s health issues generally. And it’s excruciatingly funny. (See what I did there?) Highly recommend.
again commenting on an ancient post, but this time with important stuff.
Part 1 Doctors dismissing female complaints. I recently read a female doctor confessing that she was guilty of labelling women as having unjustified complaints – because they were *taught* that label as part of their training.
Part 2 A strategy I heard, which may or may not work: when the doctor refuses to give you a test because “you don’t need it” – say okay, I want you to put that in my chart, that you refused to give me this test. Supposedly this gets results. I haven’t tried it.
Part 3 Making fun of “Karens.” This label is a way to shut women up even when they have a legitimate complaint. I read an opinion that making fun helps corporations take advantage of people. Kind of like that public campaign making fun of “frivolous lawsuits” (such as the McDonalds lady) … and then we found out that every one of those people had been genuinely harmed by a company, and the lawsuits were legit.
There may be “Karens” that insist on special treatment. But the label is also put on women who are insisting on their basic rights as paying customers.
Food for thought.