This week was rough. I bit off a lot in terms of time and energy commitments, and while I wasn’t physically overtaxed, my zest for the day took a progressive hit as the week went on. By Friday, my humor, detachment, perspective, and other coping mechanisms were flagging.
And then, as I was hurrying to get set up for the morning task, somebody said the wrong thing, not to me, but to somebody I care about. Oh, that frosted my cookie and I started to go into Grace’s Supreme Court Closing Argument mode (I have never been licensed to practice before SCOTUS, of course).. The person who mis-spoke apologized to me, but then somebody else said another wrong thing, and I wasn’t done being huffy about the first exchange. I eventually tried to sort that second interaction out with the other party, “I did not appreciate when you said…” but ended up resolving nothing and probably making things worse.
The day was not done with me, because yet a third interaction went widdershins. Regarding this incident, I have some apologizing to do. I went about solving what I thought was a problem, but nope. I was barging in without authority–anybody viewing the evidence objectively would come to that conclusion–and I need to do what I can to mend fences. The road to hell and all that.
So now it’s the weekend, but the whole time I’m riding about the barnyard on my spiffy electric mower (the deck of which, I have already seriously bonked), that bad day is riding with me. I’m full of what the French call ‘the wisdom of the stairs,’ meaning all the things we woulda coulda shoulda said, that only occur to us as we’re going up to bed. I”m full of, “and another things!” and, “Why couldn’t he just admit…?” and, “They had no call to go there…”
One quality of a slower, more relaxed pace of life is that my emotional buffers aren’t as frequently cleared simply because the next thing on the agenda has rolled onto center stage. I can fret and stew more, and this is not good. My mom would say to simply put the bad day behind me, and then my dad would make her one of his universal remedy double martinis.
I don’t like martinis. So I’m left to ask myself: How can I hit re-set? How can I put that day aside, even though the issues raised are not resolved, and might not be to my satisfaction, ever? Time will help, some, but geez, I wish I could just shower off the day, take two doses of philosophical acceptance and wash them down with a humorous observation, but so far… my bad day and I are still roaring around the barn yard, 
mowing down all in our path, and leaving an uneven swath of chopped grass, whacked tree roots, and flying sticks in our wake.
How do you detach from an upset or disappointment? How do you convince yourself to give up, let go, or move on, or at least stop fretting?
PS: Happy to announce that Lord Julian’s fifth mystery, A Gentleman in Search of a Wife, is now available from the web store as an audio book!
I so wish I had the answer to your question! This is one of my biggest problems. I stew way too much. And, unfortunately, not just about things that have actually happened to me but about things over which I have zero control (like, you know, the state of the world right now).
I try very hard to tell myself to get over it but the only thing that usually works, at least for a while, is to bury myself in a good book (generally a romance or cozy mystery) where I know someone will have a happy ending, even if it isn’t me. I just hope one of your readers will share the secret of their success.
Glad I am not the only one. I am pretty good about trusting that time will restore my perspective, but time doesn’t help RIGHT NOW.
The confessional of the Trusted Third Party helps me with these things. I’ll run my stupidity by my husband, or a trusted work bestie, or a sibling, and inevitably they say 1, yeah that was dumb of you/them/both of you; but also 2, you’re being harder on yourself than you should be. This helps. Helps a LOT to get me to stop the stewing and get some perspective. I don’t do the martinis either, but a good piece of chocolate doesn’t go amiss in these situations.
I am very fortunate that a friend familiar with the setting spotted me to an iced tea and cream cheese croissant. There would large trees down in the yard otherwise, and you’re right–it did help. A little.
Unfortunately, I have an advantage in this kind of situation. I take a deep breath and open a good book with a guaranteed HEA and very low angst. Escape for a bit and restart in a usually much better mindset.
I am reading Dorothy Sayers’s biography (in print), and in the middle of the book, each chapter deals with the book she was writing that year. It’s like re-reading The Nine Tailors or Gaudy Night with a director’s cut commentary. And I’m also physically pretty active lately, so at least I CAN get to sleep.
I can’t, I’m like you. There will be rage of every different colour, type and size. Castigations, arguments in the head for days. I’m rubbish at it. It eventually dies away but meanwhile the shoulders will be up to my ears and my husband will give up listening (for the 47th time).
I am so reassured to know I am not the only one who can worry a bad day at length. The upside of that kind of mental tenacity is I can plot whole books (well sorta), but the downside… tiresome and tiring.
I don’t like martinis in general either and I find myself in those kind of days end way too often to shrug over. I really depends on what flipped my switch how I at least try to let it go. If I am clearly in the wrong I suck it up and apologize as soon as possible or as soon as I can screw up the courage- that is my current truth so thanks for the little push to get it done.
Agree. Apologize and do it right. No buts, that said’s, or to be fairs… I was wrong. I am sorry. It won’t happen again (I hope.) It does help to settle at least that much dust.
Argh!! You CANNOT drop a gem like mentioning Dorothy Sayer’s biography (blessings on the bookstore clerk who put Lord Peter into my hands my junior year of college) & not give us the biographer’s name!!!
I’m 50/50 between pestering a dear friend with my idiocy & strenuous physical activity. Destructive weed whacking would be right up my alley.
“Dorothy L. Sayers–Her Life and Soul” by Barbara Reynolds. A good, slow, fun read.
I make use of tapping (EFT) or a long walk when I can’t get an upset out of my head. I may have one sleepless night, but I always feel more positive the next day.
GREAT suggestion, and easy to do. The tapping part. The long walk… not so much in this heat.
I spend a day charged up, drafting speeches or emails … which are undelivered and unsent … and by day number 2, I have a bit more perspective.
So often, inactivity and time are the best cure. Sometimes, a brief acknowledgement that one was bent out of shape helps. The charity of friends often knows no bounds.
BUT I have come to realize that I am most likely to act ungraciously when my blood sugar is low. It has worked really well to just explain that to my low-blood-sugar victim and apologize for my conduct.
Great point. There are studies proving that judges are harsher with sentencing later in the day, and that’s put forward as an argument for replacing them with AI. I think giving them snack breaks would achieve a much better result, and without wrecking the planet.
I usually need to tell a couple of people I trust about it. I am usually able to let things go a bit after the third time I’m processing something. Chocolate, hea and mysteries help me, too. Also a friend who is also a shrink said, you need to be compassionate to yourself. It’s a lot that’s bothering you
Compassionate to myself is a bit of a challenge but I’m happy to recommend it to you. We expect ourselves to be perfect and we can’t be
A writer for the Boston Globe once told me her husband said he wished he was married to the person represented in the columns, much like pastor’s families probably wish the person presented in the pulpit lived with them
.
I expect myself in certain situations to be the wise, resilient, humorous, blah, blah, blah, when really, I’m just another tired old gal who’d like a pat on the back from time to time.
You had quite the day..yikes!
When I am upset, I take a walk, Pat Gregory and have a glass of wine on the deck…by myself. I usually get the big bad headache so I am not able to read.
I have learned as part of my cancer journey, that people don’t think before they speak. Last week some one said something rude about Greg. I smiled, ignored her and kept going. Greg is 13, has arthritis ( he had the arthritis shot…seems to have provided relief) but is still a happy boy. He enjoyed his 4 days at the hotel and his a/c room!
Take it easy this week…hazy, hot and humid forecasted!
Your are right, and I got to the point that I was not thinking before I spoke. Not pretty. I have all the words, they are about the only weapon I wield competently, and I let fly on two people who haven’t seen that side of me, even the professional court-room version.
Might have to buy a bottle of White Zin.
I have quite a bit of that going on with certain close relatives, and the only solution other than cutting them off, is to put aside your disagreements, to acknowledge that you won’t change their minds and they won’t change yours. My question was, do I value them enough to do that? Mine was yes.
I also have a relative who will go from relative to relative asking for money. I found that out only accidentally – I thought I was the only one. I know I gave her several thousand to help her oldest daughter finish her studies – no telling how much she raked in from others. I’m not giving her any more money, as she should be able to cover her second daughter’s expenses without help.
Oooooh, that had to smart, being taken for a chump when any one of several people could have warned you. If the daughter finished her studies, though, you have the satisfaction of having aided a worthy cause. That has to count for something.
You’ve also reminded me of a lesson I had to learn decades ago with a beloved therapist who went off into the everybody benefits from medication weeds on me at one point. The decision is not cut loose or pretend nothing happened. Stay in the relationship as you propose, sadder, wise, and with very different expectations. Thanks for the reminder!
And if writing/drawing them down doesn’t help – and it doesn’t always, I’ve found that kneading whole grain flour bread dough can be positive. You get to do lots of pounding and twisting and cursing at the dough while benefiting from that lovely yeasty aroma and a couple of loaves for the week cooling on the rack.
My mom cleaned… she cleaned everything all the time at speed. We had a very well kept house and a LOUD vacuum cleaner. I like the bread dough idea better.
Oh Grace! You don’t mean to say that you are a flawed struggling human like all the rest of us!! Dang. For me it depends on whether I am at fault or the other person is. If it’s me I can’t rest until I have apologized to the best of my ability or solved the problem if possible. If it’s the other person, I can usually manage to let it go – they are a flawed human it’s not about me personally, rather about them, etc etc etc. We all struggle and flail about and one hopes, we learn from the errors, pick ourselves up and go on. I am glad you shred this with us. And I hope this week is better.
Jeanette, you will be shocked to know that while tearing around the barnyard on my lawn mower dragon, I said BAD words and had MEAN thoughts, and felt ABJECTLY sorry for myself. For a whole acre I was quite flawed and hopeless, and I’m still short of perfection at this moment.
Your comment dovetails with Pam’s above: Am I going to throw these people away because we had a tiff? Of course, not. Will they throw me away? Up to them. Time to open up the work in progress and give the drama a rest.
I have to stop and take a break. Then I have to change something physical, do a breathing exercise or a vagus nerve reset because for me once I get caught up in a series of frustrations it usually means I’m in a triggered state and nothing good will come out of that. But if I calm my central nervous system down, acknowledge that things aren’t going well and reduce my expectations as well as put off what I can for a better day, I can usually find some self-compassion and proceed.
I will need time to come back to repair an interaction gone wrong usually, wait for a better day or I’ll just make it worse.
I should have waited for a better day. I will hear your advice echoing in my head the next time I want to go into, “We’re going to sort this crap right now,” mode. (Chip on shoulder included at no extra cost.)
Why do those bad kind of days all fall on top of each other? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. For those parties that upset me, I have to decide if it’s worth my elevated blood pressure, heart burn and general yucky mood. If not, I do my best to let it go. When I’m at fault, that’s the harder pill to swallow. But swallow it I must in the effort for peace in my world. If repeated efforts to fix the problem don’t work, that’s when I have to give it up to God for what’s needed in the situation. The answer may not be what I want to hear, but my faith tells me it’s what’s best for me. It’s been a long road to learn this last part.
I actually like the problems where I can say, “I screwed up. This my fault. In hindsight I can see where I took the wrong turns that I have to take responsibility for.” It’s harder for me when I start off feeling wronged, because somebody either meant for me to feel that way or doesn’t realize they they have hurt me–or isn’t like to appreciate the news when I deliver it in a huff.
I am a professional fretter–so sympathy!
I stew about it for a while. Can’t help it. Usually a little time distance and a good book or two will mellow things out for me. And a bit of distance from the offenders.
Where do we ladies learn to be so proficient in the Self-Flagellation Art?
Mine was not the “Oh, why/why did I say that?!” specialty but the “Oh, why/why didn’t I say anything?!” one… Why didn’t I speak for myself?! Why didn’t I assert myself?! Why didn’t I speak up?! Why didn’t I say this/that?!
I’m very sorry to be late to this party as it’s something I can very much appreciate. The absolute best thing I did for some of these no-win scenarios was to retire.
I was an RN in multiple/various management positions over the course of my career. I have a tendency to be a “plain speaker,” which got my nether parts in a sling more times than I care to admit. Apologies often helped, but not always. I really did try to take the high road in these frustrating situations, mainly because of my position. Finally, I retired early due to nine consecutive back surgeries in about seven years. I have to look back and wonder if it was physical pain loosening my lips. I seem much more tolerant these days.
If I’m stewing about things I will try to pick a book I would like to read, and lose myself in the story.
Sometimes a comfort re-read, sometimes a new one I’ve been looking forward to trying – if the first can’t hold my attention, I’ll try another.
That almost always smoothes out the rough edges I’ve been fretting over, and brings me back to a more equitable mindset.
Also, petting my cat, if he’s inclined to be pet, while I’m enjoying my story.
For really sore emotional hurts, also add some chocolate treats.
I am not a good example of move on, let it go. I can hold on to a bad moment for decades.
I just finished ” A Kiss For the Ages”. It was delightful with all the best Grace stuff. A charming, slightly befuddled man, a preteen healing, and a strong woman Bill would have loved it. I think he read it over my shoulder today.
I just finished your novella entitled A Kiss For The Ages. I enjoyed it so very much.
When you hear off comments or words that are mean, just sit down and put your feelings in a book. I compare you to Georgette Heyer, who was always entertaining. Thank you so very much for the stories and characters that you develope!
Grace, the book I turned to at one point was Hanon: The Virtuoso Pianist in 60 Studies at a *banging* volume.