During my month off, it was my unhappy privilege to attend the funeral of friend’s father. I’d known Thomas for years, and when I bought this house, Thomas was my first yard guy. He’d show up every spring, bring order to chaos, and gently argue Mother Nature into semi-submission year after year.
And all the while, I was raising my kid, running my law practice, and trying to keep house, with indifferent success on all fronts. As I was reflecting on Thomas’s role in my life, it occurred to me that he wasn’t like all those other guys.
The well guy, the firewood guy, the roof guy, the exterminator guy, the window guy, the painter guy, the yard guys who came after him… they all sized me up as a single working mom with a decent income but too much on her plate, and they adjusted their pitches accordingly. I came to expect it.
Before we talked price, the guy of the moment would assure me that Johnson grass will be the death of civilization and the harbinger of enormous fines from the weed control officer (whom I have never once seen, much less met in 35 years at this location). The barn roof was about to collapse. That Norway maple was due to fall on the house (and on my bedroom in particular) after the next heavy rain. The well pump was so far out of warranty (because I don’t buy warranties in the usual case) that oh, geez, lady. You’d better fill the bathtub now.
First, they’d try to scare me. Then they’d start dancing around the price, looking for any excuse to prep me for extortion. The Johnson grass was growing along the road (where it has more sunshine and irrigation than in the yard, duh). Always tricky, mowing along the road, because you have to–you know–look where you’re going. And firewood is getting harder to find despite all the windfall in recent years and the fact that fewer people even want firewood, because… well it just is.
Then they’d quote me some exorbitant number, and start adding to it. Well, if you want us to take the brush and logs away after we cut down the tree, that’s going to be extra. If you want weed whacking in addition to mowing, extra. Windows that are sealed, extra…
Maybe these guys treated all of their customers to the same song and dance, maybe women plying these trades are twice as sly about it, but I doubt it. I was fair game, and these tradesmen were happy to intimidate, mislead, do crappy work, and expect cash (though a check would be acceptable for the deposit), because they knew my back was to the wall.
And I bet you every one would mournfully shake is his head about all the angry woman out there these days.
And part of the reason I was so angry (and maybe am so angry?) is because Thomas, my first yard guy, was not like that at all. He was hard-working, took pride in what he did, asked a reasonable price, never shirked, never tried to make routine property maintenance into a grand opera, and was happy with sincere thanks and timely payment.
Thomas was, in a quiet, dependable, humble way, a good guy and my tribute to him will be to carp less about all the shysters and buffoons I’ve crossed paths with, and to more vocally celebrate the good guys. They are a little harder to see because they don’t make a constant, inner-toddler-channeling fuss, but they are there, they are bodaciously important to world peace, and I am grateful for them.
Come across any good guys in your travels?
This is a beautiful reflection. I can name several good guys among my friends, and my grandfather in particular is a man like this, who worked all his life to help others. He’s my hero. Even though he doesn’t remember who I am much these days, I’m still learning from him.
I think you’re right. We should be celebrating them more vocally.
When I stopped kvetching long enough to give it a think, these wonderful people are everywhere, but they don’t toot their own horns, and so… it’s easy to overlook the kid who never makes a fuss, the workers who just show up and pull their weight. The wheels that keep life turning without any unprovoked squeaking.
The guys…
We have been trying to have 2 front porch lights and a ring door bell installed since May. First electrician (who did the electrical for the kitchen remodel) never called back, Jenny’s friend never came and last week I waited for 3 hours for another person to come.
Now, guy#4 is coming on Wednesday.
I know it’s a small job but, seriously?
There are good guys,too. Our contractor does excellent work at a fair price, our lawn guy is great and our plumber makes time to come for small jobs.
My brother and friend Ted are good guys. Both have driven me to and from hospital appointments and surgeries for the past 2 and 1/2 years.
The good guys are out there— sometimes you don’t realize it until you need them!
As somebody who ran a small business for years (and is still running one), there are reasons I wasn’t a good fit with corporate positions, and some of those reasons reflect poorly on me. Yes, I have initiative and I’m a pretty good generalist and and and… but punching a time clock? Tending to the paperwork? Going to all the professional networking events? I think of this every time a self-employed (or nearly so) contractor is holding me up, forgetting what he quoted me last time, and generally not measuring up. Maybe he HAD to go solo?
Hi Grace!
Welcome back
I have missed you!
I hope your hiatus was restorative and just what you were hoping for.
July was mostly wonderful, Make Kay, thanks, but HOT, and it went by in a flash!
So happy to see you back, Grace! I’ve missed your weekly ruminations but also understand you need time just for yourself, too.
There are a couple of service people I’ve met who just do their job and don’t annoy me, by trying to sell me things. But I definitely remember the other ones more. Guess I need to relax. Time to read a book!
I have more than once said to a retail employee: THANK YOU for not trying to up-sell me.
I, too, missed you. I am sitting in a near state of collapse and think if you needed a break, take more but please keep coming back.
The good guys do shine like stars. I am glad you’ve had some and glad you had Thomas. There’ve been a few in my 40 + years on my own. I will try to focus on the positives.
Susan, sorry about the near state of collapse. Hope you too can take some time to recharge, even if it’s just a few minutes here and there.
Yes, the guy who looks after my vacation property, Bob, is truly a great guy. When we were next door neighbours in an RV park, he would look after my park model while I had renters or was away in exchange for parking in my driveway. When he moved away and I followed a few years later, it turned out that he was only a mile from my new place. He continues to look after any property issues with his impressive handyman skills. I keep my fingers crossed for his continuing good health. We may have vastly different political views, but he’s one-in-a-million to me!
I think these human-to-human connections are especially important in times of polarization. Your politics might diverge but you both value immensely somebody who keeps their word, who appreciates and pays for a job well done, who can set the politics aside and remain civil. You and Bob probably have more in common than you think.
I will never stop being grateful that when I ended up across the breakfast table from a very conservative relative at a family reunion, we were astonished at how much we agreed upon. Delighted, relieved, and astonished.
As a woman on my own for 42 years. I have always found dealing with the male species of workman – ie. mechanics etc are a challenge it is as though they see woman – useless don’t know anything and they can take you for a ride. Well that does not cut grass with me. I stand firmly in my own God power and knowledge. Then others like the paterical or misodgnistic approach. So one has to love a man who respects and honours a woman as an equal and compatible part of himself.
You know, Hazel, I think if anything it’s gotten worse over those 42 years, or maybe I’ve grown more cynical and harder to please? Nah.
I’m blessed with a neighbor who should be sainted. His latest was coming with a skid steer to regrade my eroding front, dig out the contaminated soil left by the builder’s goons who found it easier to dump everything from paint to grout to wiring harnesses, assorted hardware & other detritus rather than use the dumpster, then bang plants directly into the sand they used to cover the scene of the crime. Plants that promptly died in soil so contaminated nothing I planted would live.
He found my failing irrigation system was using electrical conduit & flex tubing instead of appropriate water pipes. Discovered multiple sprinkler heads that never worked & were buried. Moved the ones placed behind gutters or blocked from the lawn by the house. Moved my electric wire running to the garage that was cunningly draped over & around the leaking flex tubing. Then found a FRESHLY cut load of sod to lay for me, & reprogrammed & aimed all my sprinklers so I’m blessed with lush green.
When the management company for the HOA sent me a nasty gram about how long things were taking (record-breaking temps over 100F in the midst of a lengthy drought) he threatened to resign his position as treasurer of our HOA if the process for notification & wording of first letters wasn’t changed & pointed out a woman dealing with surgeons couldn’t reasonably be expected to spend time on the phone to a management company explaining the history of her landscaping.
After all this, the blessed man charged me only his materials cost & split the rental of the skid steer with another family to save us both. Despite he & his son spending multiple days sweating in that record breaking heat. Maybe 1/4 of what anybody else would’ve charged. AND he checked to see which credit card would charge the lowest fee.
Why? Because I’m a neighbor he’s hauled to & from a surgical center in the last year when car companies refused for liability reasons & he knows the hit my income has taken thanks to multiple procedures.
We need more neighbors like mine & Grace’s Thomas. They’re shining lights in the world & examples to us all. And they DO exist. If you don’t have one, BE one for somebody.
Wow. Any houses for sale near you? And where was the HOA when the builder was being such a turkey, over and over and over. How did the house pass inspection for pity’s sake, and it’s a good thing your dwelling hasn’t gone up in smoke four times over!
Your experiences reminded me of shopping for a new car, oh so many years ago. As my husband and I went from dealer to dealer, one in particular kept talking directly to my husband, even though we’d announced on meeting the salesman that the new car was to be mine. My husband finally had had enough, turned to the salesman and snapped, “I don’t know why you’re telling me this stuff…it’s her car!” The guy was flabbergasted! We left that dealership and never returned. I’ve definitely experienced the same lack of respect that you have, in so many aspects of my life. The only defense against that kind of treatment, I find, is to learn as much as you can about the task at hand, and let them know that you are not uninformed. Stay safe. Stay well everyone!
I will also a) go to the female sales rep if I have a choice, and b) let any squirrely rep know I AM A LAWYER, which often results in a productive reappraisal of whether they really want to mess with me. Makes me angry that the lawyer card is so effective, but at least it’s good for that.
Welcome back, Grace! You and your wisdom were missed.
My jaw began to clench reading about your experience with being screwed by all those “guys.” Grrr. Luckily, I have a wonderful hubby who deals with most of them. However, for large purchases like cars he and I have a fun tag team show for those guys. Mike plays the reasonable gentleman and I enjoy my role as a never-happy grousing wife. “No, we are not spending that much on a CAR!” And, miraculously, the sales guy has to “go talk to my manager” who invariably returns with a better price. And so on. We both enjoy our roles!
The good guys for us have been mostly friends my husband has worked with as volunteer firefighters. Seems the whole place has someone who has a business that offers a skill we need. Mostly very hard workers and if, by chance, they are not, then the other good guys will pass along a quiet suggestion not to utilize their services. We have been blessed by their help.
I told my daughter at one point to name her first born Ignatius Noah Guy… I know a guy… because once you know one guy in those trade circles, you often can get the sort of word of mouth referrals that keep good things happening. I have also been warned off a few times, and really appreciated it.
Oh, Tina Ann! I went shopping for and bought my new car myself at 25. At one lot, the salesman took me for a ride in the car I was looking at. I could sit in the driver’s seat only in the lot. At another, the salesman asked me to come back with my father. When I did choose a car, the sales rep had never let me drive the thing without him. Fortunately, it’s funny now.
I can’t number the wonderful men and women who have lent me a hand, given me a ride, fixed my stuff… starting with my husband. But just last week I was in a towering rage with persons who figured I’d do as I was told and say nothing. Cover the costs and move on. And don’t get me started on certain local members of the child welfare system!
I heard that. Ouch. I recall many parents with children in foster care telling the judge, “Your honor, I know I dropped the ball. I know I have work to do, but that social worker has never changed a diaper, never used up an hour’s worth of minutes on hold with the pediatrician, never tried to pay child support on minimum wage. It’s HARD.” The foster parents have complaints just as valid, and so do the children.
I’ve had my share of bad guys. Fortunately I have had and have a bunch of good guys. I try to let them know in any way I am able. And we do get better at spotting the losers with practice don’t we.
Yep. We do!
Hello Grace, welcome back!
It’s hard work to live alone, although it’s the most rewarding thing in terms of personal growth. Reading your post I was reminded of a difficult decision I had to make sometime at the beginning of my adventure in solitude years ago. I had not all the needed info and I made the decision under fear.
That decision has been one of the greatest lessons in my life, that is never again let someone or something scare me in order for me to take any decision under this energy. Without fail, each time somebody has tried to scare me to go in a certain direction that has proven to be in their benefit, not mine!
You said a mouthful. Any relationship based on fear is unhealthy, whether it’s a government, a pet, a neighbor, church, or family. I think I’ve always known that, but your comment points to seeing the toxicity, and being able to get past it and operate in your own best interests anyhow. THAT takes a lot of courage!
Beth (I still cannot get the Reply link to work): We, too, moved into the new house where the construction folks treated our not-yet-completed yard as a dumpster. My partner dug up chunks of concrete, water bottles, soda cans, wiring, etc., for many years after we moved in. The builder even had to re-sod the entire lawn because it would not grow but didn’t believe us that it wasn’t anything we were doing wrong. I think they finally gave in because we complained so much (rightfully, in my opinion). I’m glad you had someone to help.
Yes, our plumber and on again off again yard people. Available, honest willing to discuss prices and give advice about other things if asked. It is just great finding workers who give a good days work for an honest pay.
Karen H & Grace (reply isn’t working for me, either)
I suspect the builders got away with their mess & not to code work by covering it all with dirt so nothing was visible. With the insane amount of construction going on, both when my house was new & now, almost 10 years later, there appears to be little supervision & even less inspection. The HOA belonged to the builder until this past year & his lackey management company had a knack for sending compliance letters either right around major holidays or immediately after major weather events like hurricanes or droughts.
Good neighbor stepped in to take over the treasurer slot for the HOA now the homeowners finally have control as he has a knack for numbers & negotiating excellent deals. We now have a new management company & initial notification letters will no longer assume evil intentions on the part of homeowners.
Grace, the price of our houses literally doubled in the last 10 years as everyone tries to cram in here, sending property taxes skyrocketing. Much as I’d love you for a neighbor & fellow cat lover, you’ve got a nicer spread where you are. Plus all the stables around here are gone for more construction. Whimper
Welcome back Grace!
We have an excellent auto mechanic shop. They tell us what they are keeping an eye on but will likely not become an issue during the life of the car for example, no unnecessary fixes and the most pleasant folks you can imagine. There is usually a wait for non-urgent fixes, so the word has definitely gotten out!
Yes! I’ve been very fortunate lately with my yard men, our can do anything contractor, the landscaper who redid our front beds, and his assistant who saw my interest in rocks and fossils. He gave me a couple of rocks and did a show and tell with some of his collection. Maybe it’s because it’s a small Southern town.
I’ve known many a good guy in my time, including some good contractors. And one horrendous one, who locked his doors one day in the middle of building our house, leaving many sub-contractors unpaid and screwing all of his employees out of a two week paycheck. Luckily three of those ex-employees came to our rescue and we were able to complete the house.
Grace, you’re close enough to DC to be able to use Washington Consumer’s Checkbook to find contractors. You can get to it at checkbook.org They have different editions for DC, Philadelphia, Boston, Seattle, Chicago, Minneapolis and San Francisco. You won’t be able to use the majority of the contractors, but there are plenty who have their shops far away from the metro area and getting up to where I surmise you live. I’ve found a bunch of good contractors through it. Also, all the local libraries subscribe and you can get to it online.
Last, I want to mention my dad, who was a champion fusser, but taught me a lot about home maintenance and other helpful things like management and working in an organization. I guess one of the things I learned from him, about guys, was letting the initial emotional stuff wash over me until he calmed down and told me what the real problem was and what was probably the best way to fix it. Sometimes it works with contractors, sometimes not, but worth a try. (Tough on the nerves, though, but easier as you get older and tired-er!)